We get tons of e-mails at Creative Loafing that read something along the lines of, "Hey, Creative Loafing: I'm a lazy bastard, but I really want to look good. I know you guys just sit around all day and do nothing but come up with creative ways to loaf. How can I, too, get fit and healthy by doing virtually nothing?"
Flattery will get you everywhere. And, in fact, we have the answer!
For this year's annual "Health & Fitness" issue, the CL staff has compiled our 58-point "Lazy Man's (or Woman's) Guide to Looking Great and Feeling ... Well, Relatively OK." In past years, we've recommended unconventional stuff like tai chi, yoga, and hoola-hooping; conventional regimens like walking, running and working out with a trainer; as well as eating wholesome, nutritious meals, such as gluten-free foodstuffs, vegetarian diets, organic meats and veggies, bla-bla-bla.
Forget all that. Be honest: What's the likelihood you'll actually keep at it? So, go ahead, be a couch potato, keep the cigs, drink the beer, play the video games, twiddle your thumbs on your smartphone. And lose calories! Yes, readers, you can lose that unsightly bulge simply by taking a few extra steps in your daily non-workout routine. These methods are scientifically verified by our own crack crew of secret researchers.
Trust us. Would we lie to you?
1. Stop eating fast food: Seriously. Just fuckin' stop it.
2. Toss the remote control: You'll have to get off the couch every time you want to change channels or adjust the volume. And if you hate commercials and don't want to hear them, you'll be getting up a lot. After all, for every half-hour of programming, you get about eight-and-a-half minutes of commercials, spaced out for perfect work-out reps.
3. Sit at the computer: Roughly 100 calories per hour. While you're at it, develop a sweet porn addiction. Do we really need to explain how you'll burn right-hand calories this way?
4. Take phone-cam self-portraits: After you've burned 20 calories trying to climb up and balance yourself perfectly on the bathroom counter to get the right pose in the mirror (you need to get your new boots in the picture, of course), you'll realize the first 15 shots all look like shit. So, stand and take another 15 shots that all look like crap, too. Finally, settle for the last one since it at least shows your new outfit. Then post to Facebook. Voila! — a total of at least 100 calories burned! (Warning: This is one of the tougher workouts, but you've done it before, so know what to expect.)
5. Shower more often: Scrubbing — particularly in those hard-to-reach places — burns 173 calories per hour. So what if you use up all the hot water?
6. Horde your garbage: Drag the trash and recycle bins to the curb every other week. The increased weight will tone those arms and put sweat on the brow.
7. Thumb-wrestle: Hey, every little bit helps, right?
8. Wear extra-small tights: The pressure of the elastic band around your gut surely eats away at those calories. Or something.
9. Mosh at the Milestone: If you aren't burning at least 100 calories in the pit, you aren't doing your fair share of slamming and surfing.
10. Get in a bar fight: Vodka has zero calories, so any fighting that occurs as a result of drinking it is all profit.
11. Attend political rally of a candidate you love: You'll burn calories cheering in fervent support.
12. Attend political rally of a candidate you hate: Stand at the edge of the crowd, yell, "Ron Paul's a fucking loon and so are his supporters!" and then run like hell before the wingnuts absorb what you said. (Substitute "Ron Paul" with "Rick Santorum" or "Newt Gingrich" as needed.)
13. Become a politician: Aside from having a staff of people do just about everything for you, you'll burn calories boarding planes, shaking hands, kissing babies and passionately telling lies.
14. Google "santorum" during lunch: No, really. Do it. You'll lose your appetite immediately.
15. Party till you puke: Go on a drinking binge and don't drink water in between your shots. You'll get a killer ab and lower-back workout and burn even more calories worshiping the porcelain goddess.
16. Throw kegs-only beer parties: Forget those individual bottles and cans. Lifting kegs is a more effective workout.
17. Float around in shark-infested waters: You'll end up paddling to shore in record time, all fit, trim and unable to eat.
18. Make an ass of yourself at a Panthers game: You'll have a lot of competition, sure. But during the next NFL season, leap onto the field at Bank of America Stadium, kick that idiot Jeremy Shockey in the groin, then try to outrun his 300-pound teammates, stadium personnel and the security officers. Good luck!