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Despite his on-line shenanigans, Ycat says he loves his wife and would never consider getting a divorce. "As hard as it may be to believe this, my wife and marriage come first with me," he says. However, their 20-year marriage is far from conventional. Ycat says that over the years, both he and his wife have "dabbled" in various sexual games, including him receiving sexual favors from his wife's cousin. Nonetheless, he says he makes sure his on-line relationships remain casual and short-term, lest someone develop "feelings."
"This is just a little escape for me, just like others might go to a movie or sporting event," he says. "It's a fantasy world completely separate from the real one."
Is Anybody Out There?
If it's a fantasy world, a growing number of people are opting to take up residence there, at least temporarily. But why? Social scientists continue to advance theories such as "evolutionary psychology," which posit that because men produce such a great amount of sperm, as a species it's to their genetic advantage to procreate with as many women as possible. (Although it's doubtful too many women will buy the "I can't help it, honey, it's genetic" excuse). Bernard Starr, co-author of Stalemates: The Truth About Extramarital Affairs, champions a more contemporary theory, which says that the Industrial Revolution gave infidelity a big boost by moving men's work world away from the isolated confines of farms to the more populated, and more anonymous, cities. A similar cultural shift happened decades later as more women started leaving the home to go work in an office. In fact, nearly 60 percent of American women work outside the home today compared to about 40 percent in 1964. Not only do women have far more opportunities to cheat -- simply in terms of their proximity to a greater number of men -- but a newfound economic independence makes them less reliant on a husband. And now, with the advent of a growing "virtual" community of cheaters, both sexes have more opportunities to stray.
"Americans are very much ideologically against cheating, but they indulge in it all the time," says UNC-Charlotte sociology professor Judy Aulette. "All the research shows that while we say infidelity is very bad, when you ask people if they've been unfaithful, many of them say yes."
And sitting ringside to all this cheating is Morgenstern of Ashley Madison, who believes that our proclivity for cheating hasn't changed, just our attitudes. "We're not as hypocritical about it as we once were," he says. "Society is just a reflection of our true nature, and cheating is just one small aspect of that. As a people we should be willing to accept a distasteful truth not matter how distasteful of a truth it is."
Just a few short years ago Morgenstern was doing research on starting an Internet business, and discovered that on-line dating services were some of the most profitable ventures on the net (revenue for online dating exceeded $313 million last year, according to Jupiter Research). He also read reports that about one-third of the people who sign up for singles dating services are actually attached, but portray themselves as single.
"Not only were they cheating on their spouse, but they were potentially misleading the people they were going to meet," Morgenstern says. "My feeling was if you give these people an on-line dating service where they can be up-front about their circumstances and guarantee their privacy, they would be willing to pay a premium for this kind of boutique service."
The unrivaled giant in the infidelity on-line market is AdultFriendFinder, created in 1996 by Andrew Conru "to create a one-stop solution for seeking, finding, and managing all types of online relationships," as the company's mantra goes. With over 20 million registered users, the FriendFinder Network has over 15 web communities, ranging from those that target Jewish people, seniors, and gays. But it also has a legion of members involved in "casual dating lifestyles," where extended profile questions and interactive workshops help those looking for some extramarital fun find each other.
"Carla," 38, married for seven years (her second) with a five-year-old son, joined AdultFriendFinder a little over six months ago. "My marriage is very unfulfilling and I needed some excitement," she explains. "We've tried to work things out, but we have very different goals in life and I'm just not attracted to him. Our sex life is non-existent."
Like most on-line dating sites, women rule, and soon after Carla posted her profile she was inundated with responses, although most were far from her idea of a good catch. "Some sounded really desperate," she says. "The world's full of weirdos, and you have to be very careful and selective."
