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Meanwhile, Lipford focuses every day on her son's death. She has quit her job. Family gatherings are difficult. "It's totally devastated us," says Laura Sirko, Steven's sister. Sirko had a breakdown after her brother died and had to leave her job. "He was kind of the one who tied the family together."

Lipford's husband, to whom she has been married more than two decades, has left her. The two still talk, however. "I can't lay blame on him," she says. "But you know, he can't deal anymore with me not being able to deal, and I can't deal with the loss of my son," she says.

Most coverage of slain soldiers' families has focused on their degree of support for the war: What do these Gold Star families believe about the war? Do they support Cindy Sheehan, the prominent "peace mom" and polarizing figure whose protests outside President Bush's Texas ranch, appearance with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez and assorted remarks have brought her international acclaim and criticism?

But scratch away the politics, and what you have is a genuinely grieving mother. Kathleen Gilbert, an associate professor of applied health science at Indiana University and grief expert, says parents who lose a child often feel shunned by other people who are deeply afraid of the notion that children die before parents. Pain is only compounded when a child dies in a controversial military action. With such disenfranchised grief, Gilbert says, "Either your grief isn't seen as appropriate or you're not seen as grieving appropriately. There's a stigma with disenfranchised grief. Always."

• Karen Shugart
• Summer Lipford talks about her son's death to anyone she can, in hopes that someone will help her find the truth about his death.

Lipford smokes three packs a day and often sleeps only a few hours a night. She's seen a therapist, tried antidepressants and Compassionate Friends, a support group for bereaved parents. Nothing seemed to do much good. Talking about Steven's death, she says, hurts but comforts her. "I don't know where to put all my sadness," she says. "I just miss him. It's incredible how much I miss him. He had bags of personality and was so smart."

Lipford's activism hasn't brought her much mainstream North Carolina media attention outside Iredell County, though she was on WFAE 90.7's "Charlotte Talks" radio show on Nov. 9. She networks with other Gold Star parents through organizations including Gold Star Families Speak Out. Every day, she is on the phone and on the Internet, seeking help for her cause. (One call to a military attaché resulted in a knock on the door from the U.S. Secret Service three hours later. Lipford admits to telling the attaché, "I say, you know what they need to do? They need to take Bush, Rumsfeld, Cheney -- line 'em up and let one round take them all.")

Diane Frederick, a local activist with MoveOn.org, recalls meeting Lipford the first time at a peace vigil. "She could barely speak," Frederick says. "She maybe got a half sentence out and she burst into tears. She was distraught and tried to speak a little bit, but she was so emotional and torn up. It was really hard to watch."

It's not as if speaking out is foreign to her. Summer Kay Lipford's mom was active in union organizing; both parents were very involved in children's charities. The couple could not be caricatured as hating America. "I grew up loving this country," Lipford says of her Indiana childhood. "It was almost a religion."

Lipford believes most Americans have too much emotional distance from the war; that Iraq is merely a headline on the news, proffered after stories about the latest political scandal or celebrity tidbit. "They don't realize the struggles that are going on there." She says. "The general person that I meet on the street will tell me, 'Oh, I'm so sorry your son died.' But they'd be sorry if he had been in a car wreck or a shooting or if he fell off a ladder. It's not, 'Oh my God, another soldier has died because of lies, deceit and deception.'"

Two elected officials, Senator Bayh of Indiana and Rep. Virginia Foxx, a North Carolina Republican, did honor Steven on the floor of Congress. "While we struggle to bear our sorrow over this loss, we can also take pride in the example he set, bravely fighting to make the world a safer place," Bayh said April 25, 2005, according to the Congressional Record. About one week later, Foxx said this: "We owe this brave soldier and his family a tremendous debt of gratitude for his selfless service and sacrifice. Our nation could not maintain its freedom and security without heroes like Steven who make the ultimate sacrifice."

But Lipford has found politicians to have a woeful lack of sincere gratitude to slain soldiers and their families. No local elected official, she says, came to her son's funeral even though Steven's death was front-page news in the Statesville daily newspaper and the funeral home was within sight of City Hall. And only one of the dozen or so senators she contacted would meet with her -- Sen. John Kerry. The Massachusetts Democrat hugged her and said he was sorry her son had died, she says.

• Jim Ruymen
• Sen. John Kerry has expressed interest in helping get the case surrounding Pfc. Sirko's death reopened.