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By Any Other Name

The war on terror, re-defined


Back in June, President Bush jumped on the media for criticizing his insatiable jones to immediately invade Iraq: "This nation reacted to a threat from the dictator of Iraq. Now there are some who would like to rewrite history -- revisionist historians is what I like to call them."

Five months later, the President and his administration face ever-increasing criticism over its inability to find the weapons of mass destruction (WMD) that were the all-important reason, as you remember, for a pre-emptive invasion of another country against the wishes of most other nations. People can be so picky.

In response to that criticism, the administration's rhetoric at first shifted its focus from actual weapons to the threat of weapons programs. And by now, what was once an operation to disarm a dangerous world threat has shifted to, umm, a humanitarian mission to bring democracy and freedom to the Iraqi people, yeah, that's it. Eventually, Bush will insist that WMD always stood for War Manifesting Democracy but the LIBERAL (LIBelous Elite wRiters Against Liberty) media distorted the facts because they hate America and want the terrorists to win.

Which got me to thinking -- what other Brave New Acronyms and re-definitions might be waiting in the White House wings?

The USA Patriot Act: Originally Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism. But John Ashcroft will soon insist that what Congress and the American people actually agreed to was the Until it's Safe, America, Put All Those Rights In Our Trust Act which allows the Justice Department to indiscriminately hold all individual civil liberties in a Fort Knox lockbox for safekeeping until the threat of terrorism has passed. Anybody who goes back on that agreement is an enemy combatant who hates America and is a terrorist.

Guantanamo Bay: To be renamed Rehab Center for Democracy. Treatments are free and available for foreign and domestic terrorists who hate America.

Democrats: Demonic Evil Menace Of Congress Rallying Alongside TerroristS. Democrats may claim to simply be ideological antagonists, but the deciphering of their acronym by Republicans (God's Own Party) reveals their true intention -- remove God's chosen President from office. Such hatred for America and inherent terrorist sympathy compels the President to outlaw the heathen Democratic Party, preferably before November 2004.

Democracy, Capitalism: To be renamed Capitalism and Halliburton, respectively.

Tax Cuts: Terrorists Are eXterminated, Country Unites Together. Tax cuts -- is there anything they can't do?

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