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Building on Trust

And how to move from FWBs into a relationship



Oh god, Dan! Help! How do I get over my jealousy over my bisexual boyfriend, who now wants to act on his urges for women? We've been together and had a happy gay life for 15 years, open with men for only three of those years. He has integrity, and he says he would never cheat on me, but he's getting to the point where he is gonna hook up with women, whether I am okay with it or not. There's more to it, though. He is perfect in every facet of his life. A perfect person and a gift to the world, so any woman would be crazy not to want him for herself. We are deeply in love, but I'm afraid of a woman's ultimate intention for a guy like my partner.

Jealousy Annoys Gay Guy

Gay and bi men are just as interested in having partners who are perfect in every facet of life, JAGG, and yet you trust your boyfriend to fuck other guys and come home to you. You'll just have to trust your gift-to-the-world boyfriend to do the same with women: fuck a woman now and then but come home to you after. The "ultimate intention" of whatever woman your boyfriend fucks should concern you less than your boyfriend's ultimate intention. Does he ultimately intend to stay with you? Or would he ultimately prefer to be with someone else? If he wants to stay with you — and he's likelier to wanna stay if being with you doesn't mean he never gets to have sex with a woman ever again — then you'll have to trust that your same-sex relationship is strong enough to withstand a little opposite-sex hooking up.

I'm a 25-year-old heterosexual female, and I've been in a long-term friends-with-benefits relationship for a little more than four years. My FWB partner and I have recently decided to move from being FWB to actually dating. The issue is that we've both become so accustomed to the late-night sexting-and-hookup routine that going on dates seems awkward and forced. It doesn't help that neither of us has been in a relationship before, so we both feel a little in the dark on how to navigate this. I really do like the guy (and our sex life is amazing), but I'm not sure how to move past the in-between phase we've found ourselves in. Have we been in FWB-land too long to come back?

Lost In Datingland

Dating is what people do before entering into a relationship—or it's what most people used to do—and you two are already in a relationship. It was a FWB relationship, yes, but it was still a relationship. And people in relationships don't typically go out on dates. So, yeah, the reason going out on a date with your boyfriend feels awkward is because you're not dating, LID, not at this stage. You're together. So be together: Go places, do things, have dinner, see friends, go home, sex amazingly. Spend more time together, build on what you've already established, (i.e., the emotional and sexual connection that carried you through the last four years), and stop stressing about performing the roles of "boyfriend" and "girlfriend."

Recently, while masturbating, as I was approaching climax, I had a sharp pain in my abdomen. It felt like my intestine wanted to burst though my abdomen, kind of like a hernia. It really sucked and it ruined my orgasm. This has happened a handful of times in the past. I mentioned it to my doctor once, and I tested negative for a hernia. I'm a 52-year-old male in reasonably good shape; I've been going to the gym on the reg for the past few months. This sucks in that when my wife and I play, part of it involves my wife putting me in four-point restraint, masturbating me, then tickling me post-orgasm. It would really suck for this to happen while tied up and has me concerned about our sex play. Advice, an explanation, or a good theory would be welcome.

Gut Ruins Orgasms, Addling Nerves

I would advise you to speak to your doctor, GROAN, but I don't think you should worry about this too much. And I would theorize that you tense a particular muscle or set of muscles when you masturbate and every once in a great while this muscle group revolts and spasms painfully; your return to gym-going may have contributed to your most recent spasm.

So long as your doctor gives you the all clear, GROAN, I don't think you should stop going to the gym—or masturbating or letting your wife tie you to the bed. Risking the occasional spasm, however painful, seems a reasonable price to pay for regular orgasms and adventurous sex.

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