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86-YEAR-OLD JAILED AFTER CALLING 911 20 TIMES IN 38 MINUTES TO GRIPE ABOUT A PIZZA NON-DELIVERY

And she wonders why the pizza guys called her a "crazy old coot."

NEW ARKANSAS CREATIONIST MUSEUM SHOWS ADAM & EVE WITH DINOSAURS

Great. American science is now as fun as The Flintstones.

TODD SAUERBRUN PLEADS GUILTY TO DWI CHARGE

Sorry, Todd, squeaky clean Charlotte could overlook the steroids, but drunk driving?! We'll pray for you.

RANDY "OLD UNIT" JOHNSON NOT EXACTLY MOWING DOWN HITTERS AS A YANKEE

Hey Steinbrenner, ever heard of building a farm system? Oh yeah, that's right, you dismantled yours.

FILIBUSTER COMPROMISE PRACTICALLY GUARANTEES THREE RIGHT-WING JUDGES' CONFIRMATION

And the Democrats consider this a victory? We'd hate to see the spin they'd have put on, say, the Inquisition or the Holocaust.

LYNYRD SKYNYRD BACKS BO ON AMERICAN IDOL

Paula holds her nose, asks, "Who let the pasty old rednecks in?" Simon says, "At least Bo's got better stage presence than the fat-boy who died in that crash." Gary Rossington says, "Uh... Hello Cleveland?"

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