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Boomer by the numbers: The list edition


A reader stopped me a couple of weeks ago and asked, "Why don't you write those lists like you used to?" Turns out he was talking about the old "List Issues" we once ran, so, yes, high time for a column made up entirely of lists. So, by special request, here we go:

Top Charlotte Urban Myths

1. Radio personality John Boy once lost a finger while cooking but went ahead and deep fried it and served it anyway.

2. Sarah Aarthun once tried to dry her hair by sticking her head in a microwave and attempting to turn it on with the door open.

3. One night, CEO Ken Lewis was seen climbing up the side of the Bank of America building with a Barbie doll clutched in his hand.

4. Mayor Fratboy's dog has killed three mailmen in the past three years.

6. The folks who work at Price's Chicken Coop are members of a cult who all live and work together there 24 hours a day. Those in the know call the business Price's Chicken Cult.

7. Years ago, a technician at the Lance cracker plant slightly changed a recipe for one of the cracker fillings and soon afterward received a patent for Bondo.

8. A naked man who says he's looking for AA batteries walks into one of the area's Rite-Aid drugstores every Friday night.

AIG Executives In Their Next Lives

1. Outsourced customer service rep in India.

2. Opium dealer in Conover.

3. Sump pump in a foreclosed home.

4. Dick Cheney's Snuggie.

5. Suicide bomber.

People Who Should Never Twitter

1. Attendants at colon-cleansing clinics.

2. On-air TV personalities.

3. Football wide receivers

4. Morticians.

5. Drag race drivers.

Jesse Helms' Current To-Do List:

1. Sleep.

2. Pinch Satan's wife on the ass.

3. Remember to ask if there's a cigarette machine down here.

5. Spend some more time jawin' with them World Trade Center terrorists.

Baby Boomer Concerns In the 1970s

1. Car repairs.

2. Heartbreak.

3. Need a new sofa.

4. Where's the Herbal Essences shampoo?

5. So, do I like punk rock or not?

6. Saving money to buy a VCR.

Baby Boomer Concerns Today

1. Car payments.

2. Heart attacks.

3. Need a new roof.

4. Where's my hair?

5. How low can I turn down the music and still hear it?

6. Holding a yard sale to get money to pay the mortgage.

Four Things To Dislike About the Obama Administration

1. Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner.

2. Economic adviser Larry Summers.

3. Piddling around on health care reform.

4. Hasn't arrested any crooked investment bankers.

Top Five Neighbor Annoyances

1. If it's a weekend, there's a leaf blower, lawn mower, weed-eater or edger buzzing, roaring and/or spewing smoke about 18 hours per day.

2. Neighbors who can't or won't get their friggin dogs to stop barking.

3. The neighborhood frat boys who put huge piles of trash on the curb several days before the scheduled pick-up.

4. Mr. Get A Life, who takes up your time letting you know how you should bag your lawn clippings -- and thinks it's important.

5. Woman who places 20 birdfeeders (aka feline bait shops) in her yard, and when your cats show up for the birdie buffet, she sets traps for them.

Places In Charlotte I've Actually Seen People Using Their Turn Signals

1. Tyvola and South Boulevard.

2. In front of a church in Ballantyne.

3. Downtown Post Office.

4. University Place.

5. Intersection near Johnson C. Smith.

6. Central Avenue and the Plaza.

7. Beatties Ford Road, near Northwest School of the Arts.

8. A Honda Civic, all the way through a car wash.

Five Most Wacked Out Conservative Pundits

1. Glenn Beck.

2. Jonah Goldberg.

3. Michelle Malkin.

4. Ann Coulter.

5. Cal Thomas.

6. Bill O'Reilly.

A couple of these lists, in slightly different forms, were published five years ago.

Get Boomer With Attitude every day — check out regular commentary from John Grooms on our news blog The CLog.

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