News & Views » The Blotter

Bizarre crimes from Charlotte's police files

by

comment

Drunk Meets Bitchy: A 37-year-old woman reported she was threatened at a Panthers game. After telling a man sitting in front of her to sit down several times, he turned and told her that he was going to "fuck up" the victim if she made the request one more time. While it is ridiculous to threaten middle-aged women with assault, as a Panthers fan who attended this game, I must say this too is ridiculous. If you refuse to stand and cheer, you can sit at home and get a great view on television.

Teacher's Pet: Police were called to Ranson Middle School when a staff member was assaulted by a student. According to the police report, the student threw a half of an orange at the woman, striking her in the face. The beginning of the year you've got students bringing in apples. By the time the second report card goes home, you're getting hit in the face with half-eaten fruit.

Vandalizing Scrooges: A 61-year-old woman told police that at some point during three days, unknown suspects cut up the wires of the Christmas lights placed up and down both sides of her driveway. The suspects must have been kids who were grounded on Halloween and couldn't get their vandalism fix.

Rude Awakening: A man called police after, he claims, he was assaulted by his girlfriend. The man told police he was sleeping when he awoke to the sound of her yelling. Before he could wake up fully, she jumped on him and began slapping and hitting him. That's worse than signing up for one of those hotel celebrity wake-up calls and getting one from Fran Drescher.

One Brick at a Time: A 56-year-old woman called police to report a theft. According to the woman, an unknown male exited the passenger side of a vehicle and stole one brick from a hedge surrounding a tree in her yard. There was no other property taken, and the suspect left the scene quickly. I read a lot of reports about people waking up or coming home to bricks through their bedroom windows. This is where that journey begins.

Child's Play: A woman called police after her car was broken into and items were stolen from the passenger seat. Stolen from the car, among other things, were two sets of Legos. I can see the culprit now, sitting down next to his bunkmate and having to answer that age-old question, "What are you in for?"

Kermit's Nightmare: A man told police that a man has been calling him for eight months to make threats and harass him. The victim stated that the suspect has said, "I'm going to blow your brains out. I'm going to come up there and kill you." The suspect was also quoted as saying, "I'm going to cut your dick off and feed it to the pigs." That is the second time in two weeks that threat has been used. Maybe my dream has come true and these idiots read The Blotter.

Dumb Criminals: A man told police that a house he was responsible for had been broken into. He was able to tell police, with confidence, that the man had simply broken in and left, and nothing had been stolen from the house. He knew this because the house was empty. The suspect then went on to rob a sperm bank and steal the identity of a homeless person.

Useless Crime: An employee of Rite-Aid called police after his store was robbed, kind of. The suspect tried to conceal a lot of different items and blatantly walk out of the store. Among the items were playing cards, body spray, shoe laces, ChapStick, hand sanitizer, a bag of gummy worms, mouthwash and other equally worthless wares. He then topped off his terrifying crime spree by telling the employee, "I'm going to come back with my boys and shoot this place up. I'm going to slit your throat." Before he comes back, hide the real expensive stuff, like the school supplies and shampoo.

Confusion: A woman reported that a man has been repeatedly calling her against her wishes. She said that she had called the man first, thinking it was her child's day care. She hung up, and when he called back she advised that she dialed a wrong number. Ever since this incident the man has repeatedly called back and said nothing. This guy obviously doesn't get many phone calls. Just get the phone of a friend who's annoyed you and him from that phone. It will throw him off the scent.

Threat of the Week: A 44-year-old man said that a known suspect threatened him. He claimed that the suspect called him and said, "I know he is over there with her. He can't have sex three times a day and I know he is over there eating her pussy. I will come over there and fuck you all up. This is not a threat, this is a test." Just typing that sort of threat made me want to take a shower.

Blotter items are chosen from Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department files.

Add a comment