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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files

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Pick and Choose: A 24-year-old woman filed a police report after realizing that her bike had been stolen. She woke up one morning and found that the lock that connected her bike with a neighbor's bike had been cut and her bike was gone. Her neighbor's bike was still there. That's why I don't own anything as nice as my friends — nobody will ever steal my stuff. At least, that's what I tell people.

Make It Rain: A 40-year-old woman called police last week after witnessing someone trying to steal her mail. She told officers that she saw a man walk by her front door, where her mailbox hangs. Shortly after, the man walked by her front door again, and the victim saw all of her mail fly through the air. When she walked out of the house to confront the man, he jumped into a waiting car and sped off. I hope you didn't make this story up because you thought Time Warner wouldn't make you pay your cable bill.

Inside Job: A police report was filed after an employee at the University Division police station realized that some things were missing. According to the report, a Taser, a bag, a book of crimes, a pair of handcuffs, a CMPD vest, a flashlight and some unidentified paperwork were all unaccounted for. I'm sorry but nobody ever made it clear what I am allowed to take with me when I go in for these reports.

Terrorist Attack: A 40-year-old woman called police to her house after realizing that some of her property had been damaged. Police responded to the listed location to find a woman whose Jet Ski and dock had been damaged because of waves caused by boats going by her house on Mountain Island Lake. Sometimes I think rich people are completely unaware that there's a real world out there with real bad shit happening in it.

Basket Case: Police responded to a shoplifting call at a local Target last week. The suspect allegedly grabbed a $75 basket and fled from the store. After hopping in his car and attempting to speed away, the man collided with another car and kept on driving. The 56-year-old owner of the victim vehicle was not in her car at time of the incident. What sort of basket is worth that much money? And who is that desperate to own one?

Big Pimpin': Police responded to a domestic-disturbance call last week to find a 42-year-old woman who had been assaulted. The woman told officers that the suspect hit her over the hand with his cane, but that she was not injured and did not want to press charges. He probably would've just gotten a slap on the wrist anyway. In an unrelated case, a 50-year-old woman was assaulted when a man hit her about her forehead with his cane. I don't know if these are prostitutes getting in trouble with very stereotypical pimps, or if there are some really peeved old men out there this month.

Don't Monkey Around: Police responded to a shoplifting call at a local Walmart last week to find a suspect who couldn't quite get his priorities straight. Employees told officers that they watched the man stuff his pockets full of deodorant before approaching the cash register. The man paid 67 cents for the three bananas that he was holding but did not pay for the six cans of Axe Body Spray that were so obviously bulging from his pockets. You might want to stay away from the part of the store where most of the employees are standing when you just stuffed your shorts with fragrance.

Mad Dash: A 31-year-old woman called police last week after deciding that someone must have stolen her dog. She told officers that an unknown suspect stole her Shih Tzu from the front of her yard while she was inside. She told officers that the yard is not fenced in, and the dog was not tethered in any way. She also added the fact that he is known for wandering off. Am I the only person here who thinks that her dog wasn't stolen?

In Touch: A 19-year-old woman called police last week after getting an eye full while having her nails done. The victim told officers that she was at the Charlotte Nail Academy when she looked out the window and saw a man masturbating in front of her.

Threat of the Week: Police responded to a domestic disturbance call in south Charlotte to find a 53-year-old woman who had been threatened while arguing with her significant other. The victim told officers that the man told her he would "squash her head like a melon" and kill the rest of her family. This is not the romantic poetry he used to get into her pants in the first place, but it's close.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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