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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files

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Gentleman: A 28-year-old woman filed a police report after being threatened by her ex-boyfriend. The woman came across the suspect in her neighborhood, and he told her that if she did not get back together with him, he would "shoot up her house." After a search of the neighborhood did not turn up the suspect, police gave the woman information on how to seek a restraining order. You mean you're not going to take him back?

Gassed Up: Employees at a local Circle K called police after someone was caught trying to shoplift from the store. The only employee working at 3:30 a.m. told officers that a man came into the store and immediately went for the medicinal boxes. The man grabbed two boxes of Rolaids, three boxes of Tums and four boxes of cough drops before attempting to make a run for it. This is what happens when you spend all your money on strippers and then eat the 2 a.m. breakfast buffet.

To The Teeth: Police responded to a breaking-and-entering call near Uptown Charlotte last week after a man witnessed the crime in action. When police arrived, the neighbor who made the call told officers he watched three men kick his neighbor's door in and leave with a lot of equipment. It was later found that the suspects made off with two weed whackers, multiple torches, three shotguns, three rifles, a .22 pistol and two WWII-era Japanese swords. That neighbor can count himself very lucky that he did not give chase.

Ripped Off: Police responded to a robbery call at a gas station on Central Avenue last week after a man suffered a very rude awakening. The victim told officers he was enjoying a nap behind the gas station at about 5 p.m. when a man approached him and ripped open the back pocket of his jeans. The suspect took his wallet, containing nothing but food stamps, and left the scene on foot. The suspect was found a short while later, completely unaware that he could have just filed for food stamps himself.

Bait and Switch: A 33-year-old woman called police last week after she got the feeling she was duped by some automobile repair guys. She told officers that she took her car to a local Maaco shop to have it painted, but when she got it back, something wasn't right. She told officers that she believed that someone had removed her original tires and rims and replaced them with older ones. Maybe the new paint just makes everything else look worse. Or maybe that's just what they want you to think.

Put Something On: A 27-year-old woman called police after being assaulted by her boyfriend. The woman told officers that she returned from the store at about 10 p.m., and her boyfriend started an argument about what she had worn out in public. The man punched her in the face during the ensuing fight. Now that he's in jail, you can feel free to break out the mini skirts.

Oil Me Down: The manager of a local Jiffy Lube finally filed a police report after getting tired of a man harassing his employees. The reporting person told officers that for the past five months, an unknown suspect has been calling the business about seven times a day and making profane sexual remarks to whoever answers. That name "Jiffy Lube" does have very sexual connotations, at least for any mind as immature as mine.

Imagine The Spring: A manager of a local Mattress Firm called police after realizing that one of his employees had been stealing from him. He told officers that the employee in charge of taking inventory in his shop had stolen a total of 15 mattresses worth more than $32,000 in 12 days. He also stole about $400 worth of "coconut pillows," which don't sound very comfortable to me. This guy gives another meaning to "flipping the mattress."

Taking The Bait: A 26-year-old woman called police after being assaulted by a woman she's familiar with. She told officers that the suspect drove past her house multiple times and that when the suspect finally yelled some threatening remarks at her, she left her house and approached the suspect. The suspect then slapped the woman and pulled her hair, giving her minor injuries. Usually people file police reports after the threats are made so as not to be hurt. Usually those people aren't hurt.

Threat of the Week: A 34-year-old woman filed a police report after receiving a disturbing threat from someone she knows. A man called her and stated, "If you and ... call another policeman to my fucking door, you're going to wish you didn't. Now I don't fuck with your house, so don't fuck with mine or you will get fucked up! Leave me alone! I ain't done shit but help you bitch. And you're gonna regret harassing me if you don't cease." You can't say "fuck" 20 times in a sentence and then try to sound all slick by ending with a word like "cease."

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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