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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files

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Hamburglars: Police responded to a "suspicious persons" call in front of a local McDonald's last week and found a few people who had much more on their minds than Big Macs. Police made contact with the occupants of two vehicles that had been sitting idle in the parking lot and searched both cars. They found a Kel Tec Sub-2000 semi-automatic rifle; two magazines for automatic weapons with live rounds; more random ammo throughout the car; a half ounce of weed; and a backpack filled with socks, underwear and a shirt. I still don't see what is so suspicious about this.

New Friend: A 23-year-old woman filed a police report after a man she recently met started harassing her. She told police she had only been in contact with the suspect for five days when he started making phone calls to her that were harassing in nature. She finally filed a report on the man after receiving two texts that stated, "I am going to rape your ass." I hate when you accidentally send a text twice. It makes the sender seem creepy — especially when the text discusses ass rape.

Big Brother: Members of the Homeowner's Association of a neighborhood named Cambridge Commons called police after $700 worth of their property was damaged or stolen. The reporting person told officers that two men had walked around the neighborhood with a crowbar smashing all the security cameras. The suspects damaged four cameras and were able to steal one out of its protective box. That camera was later found in the suspect's home. There are some crimes that you can't even try denying; like when the stolen property is found in your bedroom — and within the same stolen property is a video of you committing the crime.

Family Matters: Police responded to a domestic disturbance near Remount Road last week to find a woman who was playing the victim. The police report states that a 48-year-old man told them that he was arguing with his girlfriend's daughter and there was no violence. The daughter stated that she slapped the man in the face and that he punched her in return. That girl's sister then told police that she saw her sister slap the man, but he never punched her back.

Bad Hair Day: A 45-year-old employee of a local salon called police last week after someone caused a scene in his place of business. The victim told officers that he felt threatened when the suspect entered his business and immediately became disruptive by knocking over any property in sight, cursing and yelling. This is why they don't let you look in a mirror before you leave.

Hot Merchandise: The owner of a local small-time grocery store was arrested last week after ABC officers found a number of violations. The police report states that the business was cited for allowing both liquor and drug-related ABC violations to occur on site, and the owner was arrested for drug paraphernalia after agents found 51 glass drug stems in the store. I suppose giving your customers the munchies is a good way to keep them coming back in a tough economy.

Big Bully: A woman called police after she received a scary threat from a man concerning her 12-year-old daughter. She told officers that when the man saw her he stated, "I'm going to slit [daughter's name]'s throat and then shank her." The reporting mother says she knows the man and believes he will carry out the threat. There are no 12-year-olds in prison, so the suspect might want to think about having to eat those words somewhere down the road.

Random Acts: A woman called police last week after her house was burglarized while she was away. The victim told officers that unknown suspects broke in through the window and stole a pair of steel-toed work boots, three fishing poles and a box of tissues. How did the victim even know that? Did they come home to find the window broken and immediately scream, "Where the hell are the tissues!?"

Air Force Ones: Police were called to the Hickory Grove area last week after a 14-year-old boy was assaulted by another kid from the neighborhood. The report states that the victim told officers he was assaulted because of a controversy with the suspect regarding shoes and whether the two had been talking about each other. What a silly thing to fight about. Unless he had on jellies. Then kick his ass.

Threat of the Week: A 39-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a man she's obviously had problems with in the past. The victim told officers that the man called her one afternoon and said: "Bitch, since you really went to the police now, I'm going to do something about it. I will do and use anything I have to hit you with it." I sure hope he doesn't read this.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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