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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files

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Learnin' Sideways: Police responded to a call at local middle school last week after a student was found to be drinking a mixture of wine and vodka in a green bottle while he was in class. I'm going to start ordering that when I go out. I will call it "The Grading Curve."

Wearing The Pants: An incident was reported last week after a 41-year-old man wanted to press charges against his wife. He called police to report that his wife had taken his phone and refused to give it back to him ... but due to them being married there was no crime committed. My advice? Just wait until she's sleeping and sneak into her purse. You might find your phone; you will find your balls.

My First Threat: A woman called police last week after her daughter was threatened through a third party. The witness told police that she received a voice mail one afternoon that said, "Tell [victim's name] I'm going to punch her dead in the face." The victim being threatened in this case was 7 years old. If the person you want to beat up isn't old enough to have a phone for you to threaten them on, maybe you should rethink your position.

Ambidextrous: A 31-year-old woman filed a police report after she was threatened by another woman. She told officers that the suspect called her at least seven times and made threats such as: "I broke my hand across another bitch's face, so ask about me whore."

Spin Cycle: A 33-year-old woman called police last week after she was assaulted by her boyfriend. She told officers that the man pushed her during an argument and then picked her up, carried her across the room and dropped her into a laundry basket. Most of the time there are just reports on women pouring bleach on their spouse's clothes; this is an interesting turn.

Competition: Police responded to a hit-and-run call last week to find a 23-year-old man who had been struck by a car. The victim told officers he was riding his bike on 3rd Street when a purple taxi van struck him and then drove away. Hopefully, it wasn't the cabbie's way of saying that he will no longer tolerate bicycles as an option for transportation in this city.

Shoddy Work: A 28-year-old man called police last week after his home was vandalized. He told officers that at some point around midnight, an unknown suspect threw two gutter splash guards through the window of his apartment. He asked the maintenance man in the morning, but he said he was too busy aerating people's carpets to answer any questions.

Retribution: Employees at the Steeplechase Apartments called police last week after suffering some vandalism of a more scary type. The reporting person told officers that someone had intentionally set their American flag on fire in the early morning hours. I knew there were sleeper cells here just waiting to let us have it if we ever killed Osama.

Colon Cleanser: A 38-year-old woman called police after her drink was poisoned in her own home last week. She told officers that her son intentionally put a liquid cleanser in her juice bottle. It states on the report that both the suspect and the victim drank the tainted beverage. The use of the word "suspect" in this report makes me think it wasn't just a clueless young kid doing something funny, but — instead — two clueless idiots being idiotic.

Cyber Spacey: A 29-year-old man called police after being ripped off by a man he met on the Internet. He told officers he arranged a meeting with a man on Craigslist to trade his fully functioning smart phone for a tablet PC. On his way home (best time to check), he realized that the PC was broken. He contacted the suspect through various means, but the man has refused to trade back with him. You're probably better off; you don't want to be walking around with a phone that's smarter than you anyway.

Sweet Ride: A woman filed a police report after her husband's car was vandalized last week. She told officers that when her husband went out to his car in the morning there was a white substance around the gas tank and on the ground near the vehicle. She believes it was sugar because "her son put his finger in the white substance and put it to his tongue and it tasted it like sugar." That kid wouldn't have fared well during the anthrax scares of 2001.

Threat of the Week: A 52-year-old woman called police after a man made threats that got the whole family involved. The man called her seven times and threatened her by saying: "I will kill you, your bitch daughter and her new fucking husband if you attempt to see my kids." I prefer this to the people who are always trying to force you to look at pictures of their kids.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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