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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files

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Running Wild: A 49-year-old man called police after he was threatened by a known suspect. He told officers that a man sent him a text message stating, "You punk bitch. When I catch you this time there won't be any cops, no security guards, no one to keep me from killing, so don't run." He then sent another asking, "Why did you run when I saw you today?" I think that first text goes a long way in answering your question.

Bad Santa: A 43-year-old woman called police after someone stole her vehicle with all her children's Christmas presents. In the trunk of the car, the woman was storing a Barbie laptop, a child's piano, an MP3 player, a juice maker, a marshmallow maker and some girl's clothing. If you have a heart and read this, you will return that stuff. Except the marshmallow maker — that sounds awesome.

Old Man Playboy: A 68-year-old man called police after being threatened by a disgruntled husband. He told officers the man warned him, "If you don't stop calling my wife I'm going to put a 9-mm slug in the back of your head. Don't forget." I'm sure he won't forget; it will always be in the back of his mind.

Rage Against It: Employees at a local BB&T branch called police after their property was vandalized. They told officers that a man they had a problem with earlier in the day came back when they were closed and shot a hole through the ATM machine.

One Strong Puppy: A 44-year-old woman called police after someone let her dog loose. She told officers that when she came home, her puppy was running around the yard and the animal's chain was severed. She told police she believes she knows who did it due to threats made in the past. I believe the Baha Men did it due to horrible music made in the past.

Caveman Style: A 41-year-old woman called police after being threatened by one of her family members. She told officers the man told her, "I will kick your butt. I will kill you and pull you by your hair if I catch you out." I'm sure once the killing starts she won't really care what her hair looks like.

Dropping In: A 25-year-old man called police after his ex-girlfriend vandalized his property. He told officers that the woman came to his house and drove her car through his garage door. That's what I do whenever the remote opener runs out of batteries.

Damn Kids: The assistant principal at Sedgefield Elementary School called police after a man caused a disturbance at the school. The administrator told officers that a man came to the school at about 8 a.m. and started banging on the back door and window. He then entered the school and "lodged a loud verbal complaint about traffic in the neighborhood." These schools are the reasons our roads are bad. Let's tear them down and build more ABC stores for this guy.

Ransom: A 27-year-old woman called police after she was harassed by two known suspects. She said the suspects called her and said, "Yes we have your dog and you better not call the cops." Is this why people offer reward money for something that should be done out of kindness — to avoid hostage situations?

P.O.S.: A 25-year-old woman called police after being threatened by an ex-boyfriend. She told officers the man called her seven times in a row and stated, "I'm gonna get you and kill you. The only way out of this relationship is in a body bag." How about a nice orange jumpsuit? And the promise to send you somewhere where you can make lots of new relationships.

Threat of the Week: Police were called two separate times after a man decided to go on a verbal rampage. A 47-year-old woman reported the man, who allegedly said he would kill her and blow up her house. He also told her he would blow her brains out and have her body cut into pieces. A 68-year-old man reported the same man for saying to him, "I want you dead, dead, dead. I want you cremated."

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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