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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files

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Shotgun Wedding: A 34-year-old woman called police after being threatened by someone who thinks he knows what is best for her. She told officers the man was in her home and stated he would kill her the next time he saw her. He then told the soon-to-be newlywed, "I'm not going to let you have your special day. I'm going to kill you bitch." Just make sure that you and the groom duck when the priest asks if anyone in the church has any objections.

Another Monday: A 58-year-old woman who works in the "behavioral health" wing of Carolina Medical Center-Randolph called police and filed a report after a man exposed his genitals to her. I would say you should send this guy to the psych ward, but he's already there. Isn't this what you signed up for?

Peach Fuzz: Police were called to Independence High School last week after a student exposed himself to a female student.

Sharing: A 46-year-old man called police after being threatened by a man he's had problems with in the past. The man told officers the suspect has called him at least 30 times and sent him a few texts. During one of the calls, the suspect warned him, "I'm going to get you. You're going to get what is coming to you." It's good to see that everyone at least gets something during this holiday season.

Grounded: A 42-year-old man called police after his car was "stolen" by one of his son's friends. He told officers he let his son drive his friend home at around 2 a.m. The son returned later in the morning stating that he let the friend have the car after a night of smoking drugs with him. Just be happy you didn't let them do those drugs under your own roof; you and your son would be on the street right now.

Stand Still: A 40-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a known suspect. She told officers the suspect called her and stated, "I'm going to kill you. I'm going to hit you so hard in the face, it's going to paralyze or kill you." Someone needs to give this douche bag whatever the kid in the last story was smoking.

In A Room of Nuts: An employee from a visual presentation company filed a report last week after finally realizing that the company had been burglarized. He told officers that back in May, someone stole a 32-inch TV from their exhibit during the NRA convention. The last place I would ever steal from anyone would be an NRA convention.

Hide Your Kids: A 37-year-old man called police to report that his suitcase had been stolen when his car was broken into. He told officers the only things that he had in the suitcase were a men's suit, two clergy robes, one clergy vest, one clergy collar and a clergy shirt. I'm not sure what a criminal will do with this stuff, but I will keep my eyes open in next week's reports.

More Family Relations: Police responded to a domestic disturbance after a man was assaulted by his father. The 27-year-old man told officers that his father assaulted him in a public parking by grabbing his neck in front of his juvenile son. When the police asked what they should do about it, he said they should come yell at his son every time he fucks up because he will never take his father seriously again.

Rolling Deep: A 59-year-old man called police after someone stole a lot of equipment from the backyard of his home. He told officers that two unknown suspects left his backyard with a riding lawnmower, three push mowers, a leaf blower and nine bicycles. Police are looking for the getaway driver, who apparently has 20 legs.

Smoked Out: Police arrested a man for possession of marijuana after he was pulled over as part of a safety checkpoint. As the suspect approached the police, an officer smelled a strong odor of weed coming from the car. When asked if he had any left in the car, the suspect told him there was no more because he smoked it all earlier and the officer could search if he wanted to. A full blunt of marijuana was found on the driver's side of the car, to which he exclaimed, "Ohhhh yeaaahhhhhh. Thaaaat weed."

Threat of the Week: A 51-year-old man called police after being threatened by a very unstable woman he was involved with at one time. He told officers the woman called him and stated, "I'm gonna fuck you up. I'm gonna god damn fucking kill you and your god damn whore. Do you like horses? How much do you like your horse? Do you think your horse will like antifreeze?" I can answer that. Unless you're asking how much he likes his whores. They might like antifreeze.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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