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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files

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Sleepover Prep: Police were called to a local Walmart after employees caught a man shoplifting. They told officers they witnessed the man take a few items and place them in his silver purse so they detained him. Police found that he had attempted to steal some pajamas, pants, condoms and a bottle of lubricant. It's not good when your silver man-purse is the most normal thing about you.

Antidepressant: A police officer was working off-duty as a security guard at a Carolina Panthers game when he observed a suspect smoking marijuana while sitting in his seat. The suspect was issued a citation for possession and escorted out of the stadium. Have you watched the Panthers play this season? Jerry Richardson should be handing this stuff out at the gate.

Will Ferrell: A 47-year-old man called police after he was assaulted by his stepfather. He told officers the man literally threw him out of the house he had been living in with his mother and the suspect. The victim told officers he was picked up by a relative and would be living with them. Although he did say that there would be hell to pay if anybody touched his drum set.

Sweet Nothings: A 52-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a known suspect. She told officers that a woman she knows called her and stated, "Sweetheart I am going to kick your black ass." A true Southern threat: Hint at some hospitality and then bring out the racism.

Need A Raise: A substitute teacher at Irwin Avenue Elementary School called police after she was assaulted by one of her students. She told officers the kid was involved in a fight with another student when she tried to break it up. The suspect threw a punch at the other child but missed and hit the teacher in the mouth, causing her to bleed and become sore. I acted a fool when I had substitute teachers in school, but I drew the line at punching them in their faces.

Pay Up: A 31-year-old man called police after his car was stolen. He told officers he met a woman at the convenience store and took her home to have sex. (Wow, that is convenient!) While he was sleeping, the woman took his keys and stole the vehicle out of his driveway. And while the reporting officer was making a report at the man's home, a call came in about a hit-and-run committed with the victim's car. The woman was caught and brought back to be identified by the victim.

Screw Loose: A 54-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a known suspect. She told officers the man was upset about a dispute he had with the victim over work he had done on her vehicle. He called the woman and said, "Don't have me come over there and bust your head. You better check yo' lug nuts." I love how she includes the pronunciation in her report.

Going Too Far: An 18-year-old woman called police after her friend stole from her during an innocent game of ... something. She told officers they were playing and rolling on the ground together when the suspect grabbed her purse and ran into a bedroom, locking the door. The suspect's sister had to come and unlock the door and when she did the suspect ran out. When the victim checked her purse, not until later for some idiotic reason, she realized he had taken her phone and bus pass.

Art of Intimidation: A 22-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a man she had already filed a restraining order against. She told officers that the man called her 10 times since she filed other charges on him and this time he stated, "If you don't drop the charges, I am gonna burn your house down." If you read the Being Morons for Dummies handbook, you would know that this is simply how it's done.

Run Loco Run: Employees at a local Sam's Mart called police after someone shoplifted from their store. They told officers that a man came into the store, grabbed two cans of Four Loko and made a run for it. I've consumed this 12-percent-alcohol/caffeine laced beverage, which is supposed to taste good because it is "flavored." Drinking that stuff is punishment enough.

Threat of the Week: A 30-year-old woman called police after being threatened and harassed repeatedly by an unknown person. She told officers that someone with a mysterious number called her 40 times and texted her phone 100 times in a span of two days. After the victim called and told her that she had the wrong number, the suspect continued to make threats. Some of my favorites are, "I am going to fuck you up. I know where you are, and I am going to come over and knock your teeth out. You bitches make faces and we break faces." I might have to use that last one.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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