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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files

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Shape Up: Employees at a local Walmart called police after they caught a man shoplifting. They told officers they saw the man concealing property in his waistband before trying to leave the store without paying for it. When the man was confronted, it was found that he tried to steal a couple of T-shirts and a $5 pack of silly bands. Don't judge a man until you know what it's like to not be able to supply your family with rubber bands shaped like princesses and seashells — which may or may not glow in the dark.

Breaking Then Entering: A 54-year-old woman called police after her new house was broken into. She told officers that she arrived at the vacant house around noon to find that someone had thrown a rock through the downstairs window overnight. The window, which was unlocked, had been opened and it was apparent that someone had entered the house. You break a window only to find it was already unlocked? That's fine. You enter the house only to find there's nothing in it to steal? It's not your night.

How Good?: An 18-year-old woman called police after being threatened twice in her University-area neighborhood. She told officers that the suspect told her, "I'm going to beat your ass. I'm going to give you a real good ass whooping." Now, is this ass whooping going to be good by my terms or yours? In other words: Will there be punching or spanking?

Call A Cab: A 25-year-old woman called police after she was assaulted during an argument that got out of control. She told officers she got into an argument with the suspect over a ride she promised to give her. When the suspect refused to take the victim home, she became irate and began to curse out the suspect. The suspect then bit the victim's right index finger and went to the kitchen to grab a steak knife. When she approached the victim, a man tried to stop her and was cut on his right forearm. I would let it go, man; this girl is obviously hungry, and she's not stopping until she's full.

One Eye Open: A 21-year-old man called police after being molested. He told officers he was sexually assaulted by a known suspect against his will while he was passed out unconscious. I don't even want to touch this one. I don't even want to touch anything after reading this one.

Zip Your Face: A 22-year-old woman called police after she was threatened by two women she's had problems with in the past. She told officers that one woman stated, "I'm going to smash your face in." The other woman harassed her by saying, "I'm going to bloody up your face." You're being redundant; one of you smash the face to a pulp and the other one should be threatening family members or pets. You can learn a lot from this column.

Hallmark Moment: A 50-year-old man called police after being assaulted by his wife. He told officers that the woman, whom he has been married to for 30 years, struck him over the head with a glass picture frame, causing a small laceration on the back of his head. The woman also suffered a deep cut to the back of her leg after falling onto the broken glass. "Mom, what happened to that picture of me you had hanging up?" "I got sick of looking at you ... and your father."

Free Country: A 33-year-old woman called police after witnessing a man masturbating in his car at Freedom Park right around noontime. Well, maybe next time you should go walk your dogs in Sexually Oppressive Park because I wasn't aware that this was frowned upon. Illegal, yes ... frowned upon, no.

Auto Show: A woman called police after her car was stolen by a known suspect. She told officers the man took her car while she was asleep and did not have permission to do so. While police officers were at her home taking down the information, the suspect returned to the house. When he saw police telling him to exit the vehicle, he tried to drive away through the backyard and drove into a tree. The suspect then drove through a couple more yards before hitting another tree, totaling the vehicle. Surprisingly, the driver was found to be drinking from an open container and not in possession of a license. The good news is, she found her missing car.

Threat of the Week: A 29-year-old man called police after his girlfriend threatened him and damaged his property. He told officers that the woman texted him and told him he would see what would happen if he ever left her. When he woke up the next morning, someone had damaged his vehicle in his driveway. He told officers the woman has made threats against his car before. So if it's a healthy relationship then what's the problem? Buy the girl a wedding ring, and you and your car will live happily ever after.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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