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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files

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No. 2 Pencil: A woman was rushed to the hospital after attempting suicide last week. The reporting person stated that she tried to kill herself ingesting several pencils and an entire bottle of hairspray. If she ever gets a hold of one of those little cameras that doctors use, she might find tiny hieroglyphics written down the side of her intestinal tract.

Old-Fashioned Baller: Police responded to an armed robbery call at a local Rite-Aid pharmacy last week. Witnesses stated that three men entered the business and stole money from the cash registers and employees in the store. One victim stated that the men stole his wallet, which held a debit card, $50 in cash, a $2 bill, a 50-cent piece and an Eisenhower dollar. He complained that he would have get his nugget from the gold rush out of the bank just to pay for groceries next week.

Homeless Hygiene: Police were called to a local CVS pharmacy after employees caught a man trying to shoplift from the store. Employees told the officers that they witnessed the man conceal six bars of soap, two sticks of deodorant and a tube of toothpaste. This is where I would just have some fun. Put all three of these things on a table in front of the guy and ask him, "Which one is most important to you?" It'll really make him think and only cost about $4 out of your pocket.

Not A Game: A 44-year-old woman called police after waking up to realize that she had been robbed. The mother told officers that someone had come onto her back deck overnight and stolen a four-and-a-half-foot-long bag of children's toys. The thief also made off with her young daughter's bike. It is Christmas at someone's house this week, I see. At someone else's house, it's sort of the opposite. Hope they had insurance on that Slip-N-Slide.

Every Dog: Police responded to a "communicating-threats" call in the area of Freedom Drive after a 19-year-old girl was threatened by a neighbor. The victim told officers the suspect looked directly at her and stated, "Your day is coming. I'll drag your ass and beat you. I will kill you." So this isn't like a birthday that's coming? I'm guessing she shouldn't be looking forward to her very own day.

Broke Ass: Police were called to Bad Dogs bar in University after four suspects were caught paying their tabs with counterfeit money. Employees were able to locate $300 in fake $20 bills and tie it all back to the four suspects. Furthermore, in the process of the investigation, one of the suspects (who ended up being underage) was found to be using a fake ID as her own. She then proceeded to blow a .06 in the breathalyzer. To which she responded, "We can settle this like adults, officers. Let me buy you a drink." OK, actually she didn't.

In The Spotlight: A 53-year-old man called police after witnessing one of his neighbors vandalize his property. The victim told officers that he watched out the window as his neighbor exited his own garage with a large metal pole and approached the victim's house. He then proceeded to smash the man's floodlight with the pole and returned to his house. Good for him. If that thing was pointed anywhere near my bedroom window, I would have done the same thing.

Don't Forget: Police responded to a local Walmart after a woman was caught attempting to shoplift. Employees told officers that they watched the woman stuff things down her pants before trying to leave the store. When they confronted her, they found that she had stuffed a cell phone charger and a bag of Jolly Ranchers down her pants. Just think about it. You may have gotten away with the charger — you obviously needed that — but then you got cocky with the candy. Rookie mistake.

Extra Undressing: Police responded to a call at a strip club after a fight broke out in the joint. The victim told officers he was sitting at his table eating a salad when out of nowhere another man jumped across the table and grabbed him by the throat. The salad was, needless to say, lost in the fracas, and the victim said that he had suffered an injury to his neck. See, this is what happens when strippers bring their boyfriends to work. You try to get a glimpse of the scenery and, all of a sudden, some guy you've never seen before wants to kill you.

Threat of the Week: A 23-year-old woman called police after being threatened repeatedly over the phone. She told officers the suspect called her five times and threatened her by stating things like, "I will be coming over to bust some heads. I'm coming to kick some doors in to get my point across. I am not scared of you. I will kick your ass." I guess that makes sense. Once someone is kicking my door in, I start to understand exactly where they're coming from.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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