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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files

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I'll Cut You: Police were called to an area elementary school regarding a girl bringing a knife to school. She was found to be in possession of a 2-inch razor blade. You really think this little girl was going to hurt someone? Maybe she was just doing lines of coke in the bathroom. Let her go.

Free Hot Dog: A 40-year-old woman called police after being traumatized by a man in the mall last week. Officers responded to an indecent exposure call and arrested a man who had flashed a woman while she was sitting in the food court. These food courts give you so many choices of what to eat these days; it's amazing anybody can even make a decision.

Hot Summer Days: Police were called to a location where a Pepsi trailer had been broken into and robbed while it sat in a parking lot over the weekend. The thieves made off with $2,000 worth of Pepsi cans, $50 worth of Coffee Double Shot, $50 worth of a melon-flavored drink and $50 worth of sweet tea. The suspects, however, left the entire supply of Diet Mountain Dew on the trailer.

Step One, Step Two: A 38-year-old man called police after being threatened by a woman he was formerly involved with. The woman called him one afternoon and stated, "If I see you with someone in the club, I will follow you, then I will stop you, then I will hit you and the person you are with." Sounds like she just found a new dance she wanted to teach him. Everybody do the Followstop!! You really meet a lot of new people when you smack strangers on the dance floor.

Conservationism: A 43-year-old man called police after being threatened by a crackhead who was getting ready to be pushed off his land. The man said that he was doing some surveying on a future construction site he would be working on. He was then approached by the suspect who stated, "If you point that camera over here again I am going to shoot you." The victim tried to tell the crazy man that it was just a laser and not a camera, but he "wasn't trying to hear it." When the suspect became more agitated, the smart construction worker picked up and left for his next job site. I'd rather someone point a camera at me than a laser. "Did you come from the future? Get out of here!"

What's Rent?: A 25-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a man she has been having problems with for a month. She stated that she is the man's landlord, and that when she went to knock on his door last week, he told her he was going to shoot her in the head. That's a good way to build rental history. Now when your next landlord calls for a background check, this one will say, "Well he threatened to kill me a couple of times, but wouldn't ya know the sweet son of a bitch never did!"

Touch Me: A woman was arrested last week at a local spa for giving a massage to a member of the opposite sex without a license. Where do you get that license? Department of Massage Virgins?

Not-So-Deadly Weapon: A 47-year-old man called police after being robbed last week in east Charlotte. He told police he was sitting at a stop sign at Eastway Drive when a man approached him with what appeared to be a gun. The suspect demanded his money and then shot a BB into his left hand. The man then drove away and got himself to a nearby hospital. I can't believe you let him get away. Didn't you have any water balloon bombs to throw under the car?

Child's Play: Police were called to a west Charlotte home after a 12-year-old boy was assaulted. The boy's parents told police that he was playing at the park when one of his friends cut off a small amount of his hair. That's a messed-up thing to do to a little kid who has to show up at school next week. Unless he had a rattail – then that's a favor.

Excuse Me: A man called police after he believed he was threatened on his school bus. He told officers he was sitting on the bus when a kid got on the bus, approached him and asked him a question that made him feel threatened. "Hey Ronnie, you do your homework?" Oh shit, I better call the police.

Threat of the Week: A 44-year-old man called police after being threatened by another man. The victim said that one afternoon the man called and stated, "You still called my brother. Whatever it takes I will kill you, and I don't care about going to jail I will be satisfied." I would also be willing to go to jail for what I believe in: freedom of speech, freedom of press, goddamn telemarketers calling my brother.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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