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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files

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Meet the Parent: A 28-year-old woman called police after being assaulted while in the car with her significant other. She told officers that she was arguing with her husband when he apparently had enough. The man pulled over to the side of Albemarle Road and pushed her out of the car. He then drove off with his wife's mother still in the backseat. I'm sure that didn't last long. She must've called "shotgun" as soon as it happened.

Nip Tuck: A 20-year-old woman called police after being threatened by an ex-boyfriend. The man called her one night and stated, "Don't try anything stupid, I will be packing. I have a knife and that beauty can be taken away with a stroke of that knife." To this, Heidi Montag responded, "Too late!"

Catch A Bus: Police responded to a call in reference to an attempted suicide in the University area. When they arrived on the scene, they witnessed a 22-year-old man run toward the train tracks and take a seat on them. When police asked what the problem was, a witness said the man was waiting on the train to come and run him over. This sort of awkward, drawn-out episode is what happens when you don't have enough elevated bridges in your city.

Slow Down: A 28-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a romantic man with dreams of a relationship. She told officers that the man called her 10 times after being told not to call, and at one point told her, "I will get your brakes cut since you don't want to be with me." If he apologizes for this threat by buying a nice new Toyota with a bow around it, don't get in.

White Light: A 50-year-old man called police after being assaulted by his female roommate. He told officers that he was arguing with the woman, and when he turned around to face her at one point, she threw bleach into his eyes. Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is not a good thing when you're not supposed to have tunnel vision.

Baja Blasted: A 38-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a total stranger. She told officers she was sitting in Taco Bell, eating and minding her own business when a customer across the store suddenly yelled, "I am going to kick your ass if you don't stop looking at me." I can understand. I got a little irritable, too, when they suddenly stopped selling the Box That Rocks.

Gang Life: Police responded to Turning Point Academy after a 16-year-old boy was assaulted. The kid came home from school one day last week complaining that his jaw hurt because he was accidentally hit by a stall door in the bathroom. After the doctor confirmed that he had suffered minor trauma and a possible hairline fracture to his jaw, he admitted that he was the subject of a gang initiation beating in the school bathroom. "Yeah, Crips for life! Except fifth period, yo. I got a doctor's appointment. Thanks, guys."

Setting Goals: A 29-year-old woman called police after being repeatedly threatened and harassed over the phone by a known suspect. She told police that the suspect called her 20 times in a week and made statements such as, "I'm gonna kill you. I will bust another window out of your house. I will run you and your kids over. When I find out where you moved, I'm gonna come over there and kick your motherfucking ass."

Not Playing: An 18-year-old male called police after being assaulted and robbed by a group of guys from his neighborhood. He told officers he was walking home with his friends at 8:30 p.m. when the suspects approached them laughingly and acted as if they wanted to "play fight." During this "play fight" they held him down and tried to take money from his pockets. They stole a cell phone and house keys from the other victim's pockets and ran off. I'd hate to be in a real fight with these guys.

Disappeared: A woman called police after her son went missing. She told officers her 19-year-old son went to catch the bus four days before and hadn't seen or heard from him since. I once accidentally got on the Magic School Bus instead of the 11U, and let me tell you, Mrs. Frizzle doesn't care if you have to go home.

Threat of the Week: Two female roommates called police after being threatened by a known suspect over the phone. In their report, the women said that a man they had problems with in the past stated in multiple phone calls and texts, "You stupid bitch, I'm going to come over to your house and kick everybody in their face. I'm going to come over there and burn the motherfucking house down. I will choke you the fuck out." I wouldn't worry about that last one ... the smoke should take care of it.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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