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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files



Don't Try Me: A 55-year-old man called police, although he was hesitant to do so, after a man attempted to rob him. The man told officers he was stopped at the intersection of Lasalle Street and Beatties Ford Road when a man approached his window and pulled out a gun. When the suspect told him to stop, the victim "waited about a minute" (to establish his gangster) and then pulled off. When he finally reported the incident the next day, he told officers he had waited 24 hours while he decided whether he should "take this matter into his own hands."

Cheesy Criminals: A 19-year-old Hungry Howie's employee called police after he was robbed during a delivery. He told officers that two black males approached him as he exited his vehicle and began punching him in the face. The two men grabbed the pizza and ran off. Wow. You risk going to prison just so you can take a damned pizza?

Fun With Chemicals: A man called police after his neighbor was seriously injured in an accident. He told police and paramedics that he was at his house when the neighbor's child came knocking on the door and screaming. When the man went to the neighbor's house, he found her nearly unconscious and spitting up blood. He told officers that there was a very strong smell of bleach coming from the house. I knew that Little Tikes Meth Lab was a horrible Christmas gift idea.

Pushover: A 27-year-old man called police after he was robbed at gunpoint. He told police that he was driving down the road with a friend when they pulled over to talk to someone. That "someone" proceeded to pull a gun from his waistband and pointed it at them, yelling, "Let me get it." The victim handed over his wallet, and the man hopped in a car and drove away. In some places in Charlotte, it's better to just stay lost rather than ask people for directions.

Bill Shakespeare: A 60-year-old man called police after his house was vandalized overnight. He told officers that he woke up to find the side of his house spray painted with "gang literature." Well, on the bright side, that's some good reading. "Where art thou, rival MS-13 members? We shall hold a duel at sundown at thee Kilborne Park."

What A Disaster: A 56-year-old man called police after his car was stolen. He told officers that he was in the mall watching the movie 2012, and when he returned to the parking lot, his Honda Accord was gone. OK, relax: It's not the end of the world. As you now know, that is still 24 months away.

Extreme Makeover: A 36-year-old man called police after he was threatened by a known suspect. The victim told police that the man called him one afternoon and stated, "I'm coming to your house. After I am done with you, you are going to be dead. I'm going to fuck your shit up." When Ty Pennington is having a bad day, it really has a noticeable effect on the whole show.

Take That: A 63-year-old man called police after his car was broken into. He told officers the suspect smashed his front window and entered the vehicle, ransacking it. The only item the suspect took, however, was a package of copier paper. On which he could print thousands of dollars in counterfeit money or write some sort of ransom note. This is serious, people!

Just Inconvenient: A 40-year-old man called police after he had been harassed repeatedly by another man for more than a month. He told officers that the man calls his cell phone 20 to 30 times a day and leaves voice mails if the victim doesn't answer. If he does answer, the suspect breathes heavily and distorts his voice with a machine. He has made threats toward the man's family but usually just tells him he plans on killing him and flattening his tires. Because the last thing you need when preparing for your trip to heaven is a flat tire.

Heating Up: A man was ticketed by police after they found him bringing it back to the days of the cavemen. The police were driving their beat when they spotted a man standing in front of a small fire at a bus stop on Freedom Drive. The man told officers he was just trying to keep warm while he waited for his bus to come. I wouldn't be surprised if he used his bus pass to kindle that flame.

Threat of the Week: A 36-year-old man called police after he was threatened by his neighbor, whom he has had problems with in the past. The man told officers he was walking down the street and when he got in front of said neighbor's house, the man yelled through a window, "If I see you around here again, I'm gonna kill your faggot ass."

Blotter items are chosen from the file of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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