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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files

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Put A Spell On You: A 26-year-old man called police to report that he was the victim of fraud and wanted his money back. He told the Crime Reporting Unit that he had paid the suspect $900 to cure him from a spell that had been put on him back when he lived in his home country. The woman made a magic potion for him that he had been drinking regularly to no avail. You should've given me 900 bucks! Give the guy some LSD, and let him figure out if the spell is cured or if it's a whole lot worse than he originally thought.

Bad Memories: An employee at Westerly Hills Elementary School called police after somebody broke into the building. She told officers that after hearing the alarm sound in one of the back classrooms, they found that the door to one of the rooms leading outside was open. Someone had come into the room, but all they did was write on the dry erase board. Luckily, they wrote "I will not break into schools" 100 times, so the teachers didn't see the need to press charges.

Midnight Snack: Police were called to a home early in the morning in reference to a missing child. The homeowner told the officers that a 10-year-old child had shown up on their front door asking if he could spend the night. The child was afraid to go home because he was afraid he would be punished for eating at 2 a.m. Awww, that cute little kid. The officers returned him to his home, where his parents proceeded to beat the shit out of him for eating at 2 in the damn morning. What were you thinking you crazy kid?

Dodge This: The parents of a 12-year-old boy called police after their son was assaulted. They told officers that the coach of the team their son was playing against in an unnamed sport had grabbed him by the throat and pushed him down to the ground. It's just that when my players told me that he was unstoppable on the football field, I wanted to show them just how wrong they were.

It Soothes: A 35-year-old woman called police after being threatened over the phone. The suspect called her multiple times over the weekend, stating things like, "I got something for your ass. Just wait until I see you." Have you told anyone about your embarrassing bout with hemorrhoids lately? He could just be bringing you some Gold Bond. Oh, but then he did call back and say he was going to kill you, so maybe not.

Break Dance: A 28-year-old woman called police to report that she had been threatened over the phone. She told police that two suspects had called her numerous times one night and made statements such as, "We are going to whip your ass, and then break you in two." That way, you can both have a piece to beat on. I love the way you girls were raised to share with each other.

Touch Yourself: Police were called to a local beauty salon after employees saw two men masturbating on the sidewalk out in front of the store. This might turn off customers at first, but I see it as a great marketing opportunity. "Our salon will get you looking so good, men won't be able to resist dropping their pants and rubbing one out right there on the street when they see you!"

Come Get It: A 43-year-old man filed a police report after being threatened by a man whom he apparently used to live with. He told officers that he had called the man to tell him that he was going to pick his stuff up from the suspect's place and was told, "If you come over and start trying to get any of your things out of my house, I have a gun, and I will shoot you." The victim stated that the stuff has been there for three years. Just say that you only need to get one thing out of the house ... and make it the gun.

Wigging Out: A 24-year-old woman called police after she was assaulted by a known suspect. She told officers that she was in an argument with the suspect when the suspect reached out and grabbed her by the hair. She then ripped the victim's wig off. I'm sorry, but when your opponent has possession of your hairdo by the end of a fight, there's no debating who won.

Threat of the Week: A 41-year-old woman filed a police report after being threatened by an ex-boyfriend over the phone. The man called her 20 times over the course of a day and stated, "I hate you. I know somebody's fucking you. I'm on my way to Charlotte, and I'm going to kill your fucking ass." Well, maybe she just has to run across the house every single time you call, and that's why she's panting heavily whenever she answers. Or maybe you're just right this time.

Blotter items are chosen from the file of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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