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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files



Pissed On: A 29-year-old woman called police after her car was broken into overnight. She told officers someone stole the CD/DVD player out of the dashboard. She doesn't know how anybody entered the locked vehicle, but she reported seeing scratches on the passenger door. She also noticed that the suspect poured a foul smelling liquid all over the front seats. When magic leprechauns who can enter locked cars have to go, they have to go.

Reasoning: A 17-year-old girl filed a police report after receiving 10 threatening voicemails on her boyfriend's phone from five different suspects. The suspects left messages such as, "Bitch, we're gonna kill you. That's why we fucked up your car." Oh yeah, I get it. You ruined her chance to have a Viking funeral and be buried in her mode of transportation.

Destruction Derby: A 24-year-old man called police after his neighbor witnessed his car being vandalized while parked in front of his residence overnight. The witness told officers that she saw five suspects smash the rear windshield and driver's side rear window of the car. The suspects slashed all four tires, dented the hood, trunk and side of the car and keyed the words "Fuck you" into the hood. This must've been quite an entertaining show for the witness. No wonder she didn't call until after they were done.

Paint Job: A 33-year-old woman called police after her car was vandalized while parked in her driveway. The suspect used black spray paint to color the passenger side of the car and one of the hubcaps. She also noticed that familiar phrase "Fuck You," was painted down the driver's side of the vehicle. What is it with people's cars last week?

Bad Religion: Volunteers at a local Presbyterian church called police after their property was vandalized. They told officers that someone had damaged their water fountain in the front lawn, knocking it over and ungluing it from the base. The statue that was on top of the fountain was found broken and lying on its side 15 feet from the fountain. Maybe some drug addict thought it was a person trespassing on church property and just wanted to help. Those meth heads can muster up some crazy strength.

Golden Rule: A 28-year-old man called police to report that he had been assaulted about a month ago. He said that a known juvenile suspect had stabbed him with a pair of scissors in mid-July and the victim still had visible signs of the injury. You put so much effort into teaching these kids not to run with the damn things that it slips your mind sometimes to tell them not to try to kill anyone with them.

RUN!!: The parents of a 13-year-old boy filed a missing persons report for their missing son for running away from home. They told officers the boy had done this multiple times in the past. They said they didn't know why he had run away this time, but that he left out the back door shortly after they told him some police officers were coming to talk to him about the attitude he had been copping with them lately. I can take a wild guess why he ran away. I am just amazed at parents who call police to a job called ... parenting. There's a lot of other, important things going on in this city.

Time Traveler: A 39-year-old woman called police after her vehicle was stolen while she walked into a CVS pharmacy. She told officers that she left her purse in her "buggy" and when she went to get it the vehicle was gone. Well maybe the horses that were dragging your buggy got tired of standing there – you know it's hard to put those things in park.

I Got Kids!: Police were called to a neighborhood in East Charlotte after a man reported seeing a suspicious character walking around. The man told police he had found a baby no more than one year old walking around his neighborhood at 3 a.m. in nothing but a diaper. This brings to mind a certain Chappelle's Show skit. Should have searched the diaper; he was probably selling drugs.

Oops: A 21-year-old college student called police after his property was (accidentally) vandalized right in front if his eyes. He said that he had some friends over playing tennis on his Wii. One of his friend's girlfriends was playing when she accidentally let go of the controller and it hit his flat-screen television, breaking it. He said the girl refused to pay for the television and left with her boyfriend. The victim had never met the girl before and doesn't know her name. If I ever get a Wii, it's going to be Little Rascals-style: No Girls Allowed.

Threat of the Week: A 38-year-old woman called police after receiving threatening phone calls from an unknown man. She told police that the man called her three times, and during one of the calls he stated, "I can't wait till you see this sword I got. Don't worry – you will get acquainted with it real soon." I'm pretty sure this guy's not even talking about weapons at this point.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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