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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files

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Big Ego: Police were called to a local Bank of America after a piece of the building was damaged. It seems that overnight a customer tried to use the drive-thru ATM machine and couldn't make it through. The suspect tried anyway and drove through the roof of the structure, bringing some of it with them quite a ways through the parking lot. All this time I thought I knew what that Beyoncé song was about – now I'm having second thoughts.

Self-Inflicted: A man called police after his wife allegedly assaulted him during an argument about pulling his weight with the day-to-day chores. He told officers to hurry to his house because his wife had stabbed him with a kitchen knife. During the questioning of the involved parties, the husband admitted to police that he inflicted minor cuts on his own forearm, cheek and bicep in the hopes that his wife would be arrested. Damn, all you had to do was cut the grass ... now look at yourself.

Marinade: A 38-year-old woman called police after her personal property was vandalized. She told officers that she was at home when a known suspect came in and poured a tank of gasoline all over her seven-foot-long sofa. The suspect then walked out of the house, proving to me that if I want to really do something, I have to do it myself. Whatever the cleaning code said on that tag under the cushions, I promise you it didn't instruct anyone to do that.

Man Down: Officers responded to an address in response to a "person down" call. When they arrived, they found a man laying down in the driveway next to a vehicle radio. When woken up and questioned, the man told police he had stolen the radio from a car parked on the side of I-485 not far away. After further investigation, it was found that the man also stole a check card and an ashtray from the car. The check card is understandable. The radio? I can see that. But the ashtray? I was making what could be conceived as an ashtray with my bare hands in kindergarten.

Huffin' And Puffin': An employee of a local Wal-Mart called police after hearing suspicious noises coming from the wooded construction area behind the store. The reporting person told police that as he was emptying trash in the dumpster, he heard noises that sounded like a man "coughing, gasping and then yelling as if scared." Officers who approached the area found a man overdosing on compressed air. I'm sure those sounds are enough to haunt your dreams for weeks.

Foul!: Police were called to Northwest School of the Arts after a dispute over a basketball game ended in violence. When two teens disagreed over Lord only knows what, they got into a tussle and a 15-year-old boy was stabbed. I must say, this is the last school in Charlotte where I would ever imagine this happening.

Soldier: A 63-year-old woman called police after two thugs tried to steal her purse. She told officers that she was walking down the street when the two men approached her and both pulled out guns, demanding her purse. When she refused, they hit her several times across the head with the pistols and she ended up with lacerations to the skull – but still held strong to that purse. The thieves ended up leaving without getting anything, and I ended up with a new hero.

Just Do It: A 44-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a known suspect. She told police that the woman called her and said, "If I find out you did this, I'm gonna come back over there and kick your ass." She then called the next day and got on the defensive, saying, "If you call my phone again I am gonna come to your house and kick your ass." All bark and no bite. I'm not even sure the suspect really believes she is going to actually kick some ass.

Just Wrong: An 18-year-old boy called police after his wallet was stolen right in front of him. He told officers that he set his wallet down on a counter in McDonalds and someone grabbed it as soon as he got a few feet away from it. Being as the kid is in a wheelchair, he couldn't keep up with the suspect and the man got away with $5, his Carowinds pass and a $25 Dunkin Donuts gift certificate. You can outrun a disabled teenager, but you can't outrun the karma police.

Last Word: A 30-year-old woman called police after a neighbor she was arguing with crossed the line, or lifted it. When officers arrived, she told them that she went into her house to escape the escalating argument, which she probably felt she was losing. The neighbor then went to her living room window and opened it, stuck her head in the house and continued to argue. The "victim" stated that nothing was taken nor did she ever feel threatened. You just know that neighbor was the star of her debate team.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlote-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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