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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files

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Air Freshener: A 22-year-old woman called police after the house she lives in with her boyfriend was vandalized while they were away for the day. She told police that the suspect(s) damaged a large mirror, two bookcases, four crystal lamps, an end table and two coffee tables. Before they left, the suspects spread ketchup across the walls and human feces all over the carpet. I've heard people use the word "shithouse" to explain a level of drunkenness, but this gives it new meaning.

Unromantic: A 55-year-old woman called police after someone threw a rock through her window while she was preparing to go to sleep. Now, when you see guys do this in the movies to get a girl's attention, notice they usually use small pebbles. People have cell phones now. This is really unnecessary.

Pro-Choice: A 20-year-old woman filed a police report after being threatened by a known suspect over the phone. She told officers that the suspect stated, "I am going to kill you. I am going to kill you and cut the baby out of your stomach." I can't figure out if he is trying to kill the baby as well or if he is just really anxious to become a father.

America's Family: An employee of a local Target called police after realizing that someone had shoplifted from his store. The man told officers that a man had stolen a DVD player and the DVD box set for the television show Jon and Kate Plus 8. Sometimes you just need your Jon and Kate fix at all costs. But, honestly, it's on at all hours of the day -- just turn on your TV.

Nap Time: Two officers driving on their beat came across a man stopped at an intersection asleep at the wheel of his car. The car was in drive and the guy just had his foot on the brake. When the officers approached the car, they found that the man had an open beer between his legs and further investigation revealed a half-ounce of weed in the man's pocket. Sometimes this column pretty much writes itself.

Four-Dollar Criminals: Employees of a local Family Dollar store called police after a man shoplifted from their store. They told police that a man grabbed diapers, deodorant, soap and toothpaste and ran from the area. Just leave the guy alone; he's probably bathing in a river right now. And there's obviously a baby involved. Unless the diapers were for him, in which case ... find that crazy person!

Shiny New Toy: Police responded to a call in which several people had reported seeing a man waving a gun at people and pointing at gas pumps. The officers found him and found the gun during a traffic stop. He was charged with Going Armed to the Terror of the Public. This may sound childish, but that crime just sounds so awesome.

Speed Bump: A 50-year-old man was working on his vehicle in the driveway when he slipped while attempting to get in the car. This put the car in drive, and it rolled over the man. Thank God it didn't roll over his head. That would just be an embarrassing way to be found dead by your wife.

No Choke: A 21-year-old woman called police after being threatened by an ex-boyfriend over the phone. She told officers that the suspect stated, "I will slap the shit out of you and choke your neck." Oh come on, you can choke her leg or arm or torso – just don't choke the neck.

Come Prepared: A male teenager was walking into a courtroom for a DUI-related court date when he approached the metal detectors and was told to empty his pockets. The soon-to-be suspect calmly emptied his pockets into the basket, revealing a small bag of weed. The suspect was then taken into another room, where it was found that he was in possession of a fake ID.

Making The Rules: A 23-year-old man called police after a girl he knows stole some items from him and refused to return them. He told officers the girl took Xbox controllers and his wallet, containing money and credit cards. The man called the woman multiple times, and she stated, "You will get this stuff back on my time." I guess we all know who wears the pants in this relationship.

Bad Bitch: A 58-year-old woman called police after being threatened while arguing inside her residence. She told police that she was arguing with another woman when the suspect told her, "You're gonna wish you had never seen me. I'm gonna set that car on fire and I'm gonna put sugar in the tank." Damn, setting the car on fire is one thing, but messing with the gas tank is just pouring salt (or sugar) in the wound.

Threat of the Week: A 21-year-old man filed a police report after being threatened by another man over the phone. The suspect told him, "I'm going to kill you. I have a gun and I have people. I'll start with your family. It will hurt you the most." OK. No joke here. I'm actually pretty intimidated. I'm scared to even write this.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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