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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files

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Potty Pants: Police were called to a house after neighbors heard a domestic disturbance going on. When they arrived they found a woman with a black eye and cuts and bruises sitting on the porch. She told officers her husband had beat her after finding out she had filed a police report on him for beating her in the past. She pressed charges again, and when police entered the house to drag the man out, they found him passed out on the couch in a puddle of his own urine. One word: euthanasia.

Riding Dirty: Police arrested a local drug dealer after witnesses complained of him pushing his stuff on their street. While I'm unsure how it got to this point, police ended up arresting the man after finding six grams of crack/cocaine in his anus. If I were an officer, I would have to start looking for a new career. No, thank you.

Try Again: A 43-year-old victim who was riding passenger with a friend told police that she was both hit on and threatened after telling the driver to stop speeding. The suspect responded with the statement, "Suck my penis." The victim then told the suspect she could press charges for such a statement, and the suspect replied with, "I'll kick your ass!" Gangster and a gentleman.

Toy Story: Police responded to another domestic disturbance only to find both suspects sitting together in their living room out of breath and sporting new black eyes. When asked how they came to be in this condition, the 21-year-old woman of the house told officers she was arguing with her boyfriend when she got so worked up she tripped on her daughter's toy and fell on the same toy. Both parties agreed that everything was OK and no charges were pressed. Love is complicated.

Nice Try: An employee of a local deli called police after realizing that his store had been broken into overnight. Two juveniles were witnessed on a surveillance camera attempting to steal the cash register, yet they couldn't get it unplugged or rip it out of the wall. Maybe this was a job for some grown folks.

A Steal: A 40-year-old woman returned to her car after shopping at SouthPark Mall only to find that it was broken into and certain things stolen. She told police the suspect got a sweater, a trumpet and some classical CDs she had burned. Since when have high school band geeks started shoplifting?

Hot and Bothered: A 27-year-old woman called police after she was threatened by her ex-boyfriend. The man called and left a message on her voicemail stating, "Bitch, I will fire up your house." That's either a metaphor or just horrible grammar.

Hint Hint: A 23-year-old woman filed a police report after receiving similar threats from her ex-boyfriend on her voicemail. The suspect told her, "I'm going to kill you. I know where you stay. So if anything happens to you, you know who did it." That's a great idea. Now it's documented in the police department. So if something really does happen to her, more people than just that woman will know who did it.

Sticky Grenade: A 41-year-old woman called police after someone used a soda can, a highly evolved piece of equipment, as a weapon against her. She told officers that she was leaving the scene of an argument with an old friend when the suspect jumped in a car to follow her. At a red light, the suspect threw a Coke can through her window, at which time it exploded all over the interior of her car.

Pet Lover: A Food Lion employee called police after catching a man shoplifting from his store. The man was confronted by the employee as he was trying to leave, and was found to be concealing a frozen dinner and a can of cat food. This is refreshing – at least compared to all the pet threats usually found in this column.

No Cutting: Police were called to a neighborhood disagreement after one suspect allegedly told the other, "I am going to come and beat you down." The argument started over the fact that one girl was giving a boy who dated another girl in the neighborhood a haircut. Maybe you just messed his hair up something terrible last time.

Sharp Mind: In other hair-raising news from the Charlotte crime world, an employee of a local beauty supply shop called police after a man was caught shoplifting. When officers arrived, they found the suspect to be in possession of a pair of hair clippers. People in Charlotte are desperate to stay looking good, I guess.

Threat of the Week: A 29-year-old female reported to police that she had been threatened by a guy who obviously didn't finish school. He kept telling the girl that his name was Jackalopes, and that he wanted her. His consistent question asked whether she was running a "cum on your face special." He also promised that he would "stick my dick on your dick." Seriously, I completely support euthanizing these people.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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