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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files

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Karma Is Real: An employee of a Belk store at a local mall called police to help apprehend a shoplifter who had attempted to steal a cookware set. The man apparently tried to grab the 10-piece set and run out the door, but instead slammed into a metal part of the entrance, doing $500 in damage. I might pay more for that security tape than anything they're selling in Belk.

Bad Mood: A 42-year-old man pressed charges on his next door neighbor for assault after catching him on what must have been the wrong day. The victim told officers that he entered his neighbor's yard to ask if he could borrow the lawnmower, at which time the suspect came out of his house and punched the victim in the face multiple times. He then punched the victim's windshield, cracking it. So I guess the answer is "no" then?

Who's The Idiot?: A 49-year-old woman managed to call police after she was assaulted by her husband. When police arrived, the woman was extremely intoxicated and disruptive, refusing to cooperate. The sober husband told police in detail what happened: that he had pushed her backwards after she became too ridiculous and confrontational over nonsensical things. He was then arrested for assault. I'm not sure how I feel about this, but it's funny ... right?

Who? Why?: A 20-year-old man told police officers that a known woman had cut him with a knife following an argument, causing a minor injury. The woman then told him that she was going to have her boyfriend shoot up the victim's grandmother's house. Sometimes I just can't keep up with the things these people think up. Most of the time I just don't want to.

Bloodline: In more grandma-related-violence news, a 16-year-old boy accidentally shot his grandmother with a rifle as he was reaching under the bed to grab a box he had hidden there. The boy's mother called police and helped them apprehend the kid. I am going to keep this clipping in my wallet for anytime I feel like my family is too dysfunctional.

Revenge: Police responded to a glass-break alarm activation at a local elementary school to find three juveniles just hanging out around the scene. When asked about the windows, the kids confessed and were turned over to their parents. Notice how they had absolutely no interest in breaking in. Kids this age never make much effort to get into schools when they're not forced to be there.

Let It Go: A 33-year-old man filed a police report after his ex-girlfriend continued to harass him over the phone. The woman told him, "If I see you talking to another woman, I am going to get a gun and kill you. I'm gonna make your life a living hell." Oh, I'm sure the times when you were dating weren't a living hell at all. You sound like a kind and gracious woman.

Child Rearing: A 22-year-old man called police after his child's mother assaulted him. He told officers that they got into an argument over the child they shared, in front of said child, and she began scratching him about the face and arms. She then burned his left cheek with a lit cigarette. Oh, that kid's going to grow up to be something. What? I'm not sure yet, but something.

American Idol: A 34-year-old "victim" called police after her property was vandalized by a friend. She told officers that the two got into an argument around 1 p.m. and the "suspect" took her television remote control and smashed it on the ground. Have you ever tried to watch TV at that time of day? Absolutely nothing is worth viewing. She should have thrown it through the screen.

Headache: A man was arrested outside of a local Food Lion for attempting to steal a box of Goody's headache powder. When the police arrived, he told them, without being asked I'm sure, that he was broke and wanted to try to pass the powder off as cocaine for sale – because someone had pulled such a fraud on him. Just shut up and take your damn shoplifting charge.

The Natural: A 22-year-old woman called police after a man called her 50 times in the span of four days. During one of these calls the suspect told her, "I'm gonna blow up your car." She told police that she was calling because she believes the suspect may try to vandalize her car. Brilliant! Someone put this girl on the force and make her detective.

Missed Opportunities: A 26-year-old woman called police after her ex-boyfriend called her 11 times for the purpose of harassing her. She said that during one of the calls he said, "I'm gonna fuck you up. I'm on my way to you. I should have fucked you up when I had the chance." He then called back for a 12th time and asked for directions. No, he really didn't, but it would have been funny if he did. Sometimes when you break up with a significant other, you just regret certain things about how it went down.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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