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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files

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MJ: A 26-year-old female filed a police report after receiving some very odd calls. She said the same person has called her from three different numbers, and she has told him several times to stop calling. She said the suspect usually says that he is Michael Jackson and that he wants to be in her video and play in some bubbles. Sometimes you come across a police report that's just a little more special than all the rest.

One Less: A woman called police when she witnessed a man threaten her friend, a 19-year-old male. The suspect told her, "I don't like how he spoke to me, and I am going to fuck him up. And I don't care if I get in trouble with the police. I am going to be less than a man, and I am going to fuck him up when I see him." Finally, someone who is honest about himself. How refreshing.

Got That Good: Police and medics were called to an apparent scuffle between some high members of Charlotte society. A 26-year-old man told police that he was cut severely while trying to get his money back for some fake crack he had just bought from three men. The 60-year-old woman who was with the victim said she was sleeping in his van when the fight broke out, and one of the suspects opened the door and attempted to stab her.

Cutting Up: A 26-year-old woman was taken to a local hospital after cutting herself with a knife. Apparently this didn't get her enough attention because she then used pruning shears, doing a number to her arms. I wish my lawn had these sort of emotional problems ... then it would cut itself.

Hold This: A 51-year-old woman called 911 after being assaulted in her home. She told police that she was out drinking with friends, and a few of them came back to her house for the night. After an argument between two parties, an unknown person struck her over the head with a candleholder. This sounds like a combination of Cops and Clue.

Oddball: A 13-year-old girl's parents called police after a known, and very disgusting, suspect left her approximately 22 texts. One of the texts stated, "Ha, ha ... I will silently kill your family, then give you something to knock you out; once you are awake, I will rape you and kill you." That's the thing about these text threats – they're so silent.

Social call: A 45-year-old man filed a police report after the man whom he reported to Social Services called him and threatened him. The suspect stated, "I'm gonna beat your ass, and I'm gonna have someone put a bullet in your head when you walk down the street." He then called four hours later and said, "You're lucky someone hasn't put a bullet in your head and beat your ass and cut you up." Why report this guy to SS? He seems to have it all together.

Rock Out: A 61-year-old man called police after a not-so-urgent crime was committed. He told police that someone busted out the front passenger window of his Kia Sportage with a rock and that the car was rummaged through, but nothing was stolen. He told police he would be sure to keep the rock and would be waiting to give it to an officer. OK sir, I'm pretty sure there won't be an ongoing investigation regarding your busted window.

Bad Economy: A 24-year-old delivery driver for Domino's pizza called police after being relieved of his workload before he could reach the target residence. The man told police that four suspects approached him as he got out of his car, then punched him, breaking his glasses, and grabbed the "pizza heating bag" that held two pizzas. The suspects then fled the scene. Damn, they didn't even leave a tip.

Redundancy: A 24-year-old woman filed a police report after her baby's daddy called her four different times, apparently with nothing new to say. During these calls the man stated, "You better let me see my child or I'll fucking kill you. How are you going to stop me? I'll kill you. You do what you need to do. How are you going to stop me from seeing my child? You are not going to stop me from seeing my child." You get the point.

Threat of the Week: A 52-year-old woman told police that she received two harassing phone calls very early in the morning. The man on the phone told the woman, "I am going to kill your dog and husband, bomb the truck in the garage ... nevermind I'm going to just drive it around, and I am going to fuck your daughter." What? He's going to drive this woman's truck around! What is this world coming to?

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Meckleburg Police Department.

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