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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files

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No Telling: A 24-year-old woman called police to say that a known suspect has been trying to track her down. The suspect went to each of the victim's addresses and asked for her, and the victim has no idea why she is being searched for. The suspect stated at one point, "No telling what I'm going to do in the state of mind I'm in." It couldn't do you too bad to call him and at least ask what kind of drugs he got his hands on.

A Rod: A 15-year-old girl reported to police that she had been threatened by a known suspect. While they were on the school bus, the suspect told the victim, "I'm going home to get my baseball bat and bust your kneecaps open." I think if the kneecap actually bursts open, this girl should be tested for steroids.

Baby vs. Wild: Yet another woman called police after finding a 2-year-old child walking down the street wearing nothing but a diaper. This has been happening often lately. I understand that the media is telling everyone to drop certain frivolous expenses, quite unnecessarily in my opinion. But even if you do follow their advice, I assure you they don't mean to drop your children.

Family Feud: A 26-year-old woman told police that a known suspect called and threatened her recently. The suspect called and said, "I am going to get my niece to come over there and whip your ass." I love kissing up to my relatives in order to ensure better holiday presents, but I'm not sure I would commit felonies for them. Well, maybe a couple, depending on the minimum jail time.

Chicken Little: The employee of a local construction business was exiting her car, holding five welding jackets, when she noticed a car slowly pulling up alongside her. She then decided to drop the jackets and run for the door. When she returned, the jackets were gone. I think this victim shares the same attitude as every person I've ever tried to ask for directions.

Bad Mood: A 37-year-old woman filed a police report after feeling threatened by an unknown neighbor. The woman told police she was walking up her apartment steps when a man, whom she recognized as living above her, walked down the stairs and told her as she passed, "I will kill you bitch." I've had days when I wanted to say that to everyone I've come across, but damn, I didn't actually do it.

All The Boys to the Yard: The manager of a local Cookout restaurant called police after suffering a theft. Three unknown suspects removed the sign that displayed all the eatery's different milkshake combinations. I don't know if you've ever eaten at Cookout, but that sign is definitely the most important one.

Fore!!: A manager at a local golf course called police after witnessing a theft from his premises ... a few times. The employee told police that a man came in and paid for his round of golf, but in the process, stole 12 golf balls from the front counter. He said the whole thing was caught on camera. You know a guy had a bad round if he left with enough balls and came back desperate enough that he needed more to play again.

Nice Comeback: A 26-year-old woman filed a police report after being threatened by an ex-boyfriend. The suspect told her, "If you don't talk to me then I'm going to kill myself." To which the seriously awesome victim said, "Go ahead, I don't care." The suspect responded, "You will care when I take you, too." Something tells me you don't have it in you.

Located: A 28-year-old woman called police after having her call stolen. She told police that the car was installed with OnStar. Victims: 1. Idiots: 0. Let me give advice to you dumb-ass car thieves: Don't steal a car with a GPS system in it. The car was soon located by police, and the suspects were brought into custody.

Ruff Streets: A 46-year-old woman filed a police report after her dog was stolen. The woman told police her miniature schnauzer was stolen from her front porch sometime in the span of 40 minutes. I've been around these dogs, and let me tell you: small brain, smaller bladder. Can't see who would want to steal one. But good luck anyway.

Threat of the Week: A 25-year-old woman called police after being threatened by someone she had obviously wronged. The suspect called her and said, "I am going to kick your ass if you don't pay me the $500 deductible. I am going to break out every single window in your house the next time I see that car there. I will mess up your car worse than mine." And so on. Good luck. Your court fees will make up for all your hard work.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Meckleburg Police Department.

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