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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files

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Please Explain: A young girl called police to tell them that a known suspect had called 20 times and sent her 20 texts over a span of five days. In one of the text messages, the suspect said, "When I see you, I'm going to burn you." If I was this victim I would be walking around with a gun, a fireproof suit ... and a condom.

Incoming!: A 63-year-old man called police to tell them that his property had been damaged. A known suspect allegedly threw a bicycle through the window of the victim's home. Now if you want to do something like this to a person, at least have the balls to stay on the bike and see it through.

Cold-Blooded: A 46-year-old woman called police after her car was stolen by unknown suspects. When police arrived at her residence, she told them she had just left the vehicle running in her driveway for a minute and when she returned it was gone. In the police report, it says this woman was cited for leaving keys in an unattended vehicle. If cited means what I think it means, ticketed, that's just wrong.

Phone Thief: A young man told police that a known suspect called and threatened him seven times in a matter of 20 minutes. The suspect told the victim, "Come up here, I am going to kick your ass." During the next call, the suspect said, "I stole your iPhone, that's what I am talking to you on right now."

Take It: A 26-year-old female told police that her car had been stolen from in front of her apartment at some point between 5 a.m. and 6 a.m. The vehicle was found abandoned less than a mile away. The suspect apparently didn't make it more than a block from the apartment building when the car broke down. Nice choice, thief. Next time, go for the good-looking cars.

Fast Break: At 5 a.m., unknown suspects cut the lock off the gate of a local business and stole a trailer and a forklift from the loading dock. The forklift was recovered a short distance away and returned to the business. At least the thief in the preceding story didn't know the car was going to crap out. I want to know just how far this guy took this huge forklift at 10 mph.

Good Citizen: A woman called police after witnessing a man leaving a business through a side door with a set of bed sheets. When the witness approached the two suspects, the one with the sheets ran for it and the driver stayed, claiming innocence. The business was able to recover their property and no charges were pressed. Another worthless thing stolen. Another fairy tale ending. Another Blotter entry.

Slice of Life: Two employees of a business park got into an argument over a parking spot. A woman parked in a spot directly in front of a pizza shop in the park, and the owner of the shop confronted her about it being his spot. The man says she pushed him for no reason; the woman says he was screaming and yelling in her face from square one. I'm not a police officer but this seems easy. There's no sign on the spot, and it's doubtful she just pushed you. Go back to your store and shut up.

Fire Arm: A man robbed a local gas station by using one of the oldest tricks in the book. The man entered the store and held his arm up, with his sweater covering the whole thing. He told the cashier he had a gun and escaped with all the money from the cashier. I never understood this trick. If he had a real gun, what would it hurt to show it? It would probably help with the whole intimidation thing.

Great Parent: An unknown woman was reported to have shoplifted a few things from a local Food Lion. The woman got away with four cartons of cigarettes and one package of diapers. You know that woman is going to be broke again in a week or so and that baby's going to be thinking, "Damn, my diapers are gone. How many cigarettes do you have? Oh, two cartons left. That's real nice."

Get Out More: A 40-year-old woman told police that she was threatened with five calls during a 30-minute period. During these calls, the suspect told the victim, "I'm going to kill you. Fuck you bitch. I'm going to blow your house up. I'm going to kill everyone in the house." OK, so I think now would be a good time for a walk around the neighborhood.

Threat of the Week: A 33-year-old called police after a known suspect threatened her over the phone. The suspect said, "I have a .38 and I will blow your fucking brains out if you come here." Well, this one seems pretty simple: Wherever "there" is, I would stay a good mile or so away from that place for quite some time.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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