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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files

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Some Action!: Your humble Blotter correspondent was sitting on his balcony one early morning last week, smoking a cigarette, when a car pulled up in the parking lot. A white male who looked like a college student hopped out and put a bullet right through the window of a Mercedes, yelling, "Now you got some!" As I talked to one of the responding police officers who caught the man, he said, "It's a damn shame, because this is the wrong Mercedes." Have fun in jail, where you can get some!

Man Vs. Wild: A Wal-Mart employee called police after two men were caught shoplifting. The men tried to leave the store with two fishing poles. They apparently didn't know Wal-Mart sells fish.

Neighborly Love: A woman reported she found a menacing note on her Honda when it was parked outside her apartment. The note read, "If you park in two parking spots again, your tires will be slashed." P.S. If you fraudulently park in the "expectant mothers" spot at Bloom, I will find you.

Karma and Greg: The "victim" of a reported assault told police he pulled a knife on a man and the two began to struggle. The "suspect" then pushed this man away, forcing the man to fall and strike his head on a railing. This man's mother either dropped him on his head, or he pulled a knife on her and she responded accordingly.

Charlotte's Worst: A male was arrested at Food Lion after a security guard caught him with a single can of Milwaukee's Best in his pants. Have you ever drunk that beer? It tastes like something a nervous high schooler might grab because he can't legally – or intelligently – choose a beer.

All You Can Stuff: One lucky employee of a Hampton Inn called police after witnessing someone who was not staying at the hotel taking food from the breakfast bar and stuffing it into her purse and pants. I hope those sausage links were wearing protection when she put them in there.

Please, Take It: A man was arrested after being caught concealing DVDs and CDs, such as The Strangers and Soulja Boy. The man was brought into the back of the store, where his horrible taste was beaten physically from his memory.

Cutthroats: A real estate company called police after some hard-core detective work. They reported that a competitor stole 127 signs from 127 different locations. It was claimed in the report that a witness caught all of this on tape. The housing market starts to crash and people act crazy! Seriously, this is some cool espionage stuff.

The Combo: A man was arrested at a gas station after attempting to run out of the store with a 12-pack of Bud Light, a pack of Newports and a package of Alka-Seltzer Plus. In the dark, seedy underworld of professional shoplifting, that's called pulling all the stops.

Best Idea Ever: A Pizza Hut deliveryman called police because he was duped by two teenagers. He told police that when he arrived at a house to deliver a pizza, the house obviously was vacant, but two young men answered the door. They acted friendly until the pizza was in their hands, then they took off through the back door, never to be seen again. I'm impressed.

Grill Gleamin': A 26-year-old female called police after her car had been vandalized. She told police that someone had poured an entire bottle of nail polish all over the front of her car. So the paint's damaged – look at how that hood sparkles!

Hunting License: A young girl told police that she had been threatened by her ex-boyfriend, who had called seven times in one day. The suspect said, "It's killing season, and that is a promise, not a threat." It only qualifies if you wear an orange jumpsuit and camouflage hat. And get used to the orange jumpsuit.

The Hulk: A woman reported that her boyfriend had assaulted and then threatened her. While the couple was arguing about infidelity, the man grabbed her by the neck, pushed her and threatened to hit her with the bench they were standing next to. The one bolted into the cement below it. The guys in these domestic cases swear they're strong, and they are the only ones who believe it.

Threat of the Week: A 29-year-old woman filed a police report after being threatened by a known suspect. The suspect told her, "I wanna get you. I don't have to touch you. I got people that wanna do something to you, and I will get them to do something to you." Umm ... come again?

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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