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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files

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Sending A Message: A young girl called police to report that between 2 a.m. and 9 a.m., an unknown suspect scratched the hood of her car with an unknown object, writing something unreadable. She told police that earlier in the morning someone had wrapped her car in plastic wrap and marshmallows. Not sure how that works, but I imagine it's quite funny. Oh, and someone placed a dead baby deer on the hood of her car. Marshmallows: cute prank. Dead baby deer: disturbing.

Hallelujah: A 38-year-old woman reported that her ex-boyfriend's girlfriend approached her at a church gathering and told her that if she did not leave the man alone, she would stab her to death. The victim, pregnant with the man's baby, was understandably shaken because this new girlfriend once stabbed another girl with a needle. Threatening the life of women and unborn babies on church grounds – that's how you get in good with the big guy upstairs.

Charlotte's Dumbest: A woman took two MP3 players into the bathroom with her at a local Walgreens, where she took them out of their boxes and walked out of the store with them. Store employees were not aware of the theft until they walked into the bathroom to find two empty boxes right next to the suspect's wallet, ID and all. How hard can shoplifting be? Every week there's so many people who are so horrible at it that their incompetence amazes me.

Three on One: Three people, including two men in their late 30s, were in a house when a man brandishing a knife broke in through a side door. The suspect, screaming, "I will kill everyone," then tried to attack one of the men. When police arrived, they arrested the suspect and found that the man he was trying to attack had fled the scene. I know they say you should comply with armed robbers, but seriously? Take the guy down; don't go running down the street. I'm sure there was a lamp or something that one of these people could have used.

Unstoppable: Employees of a local insurance agency reported that a man had broken a window at their office, then reached in and taken things off the nearest desk. There was one reason he did not actually enter the office: The windows have bars on them. He knows he's not getting a computer out of this deal, so what was it? A paperweight he couldn't live without? A World's Best Boss mug?

Taxicab Deceptions: Officers responded to a complaint stemming from a man's promise to pay cab fare for a ride to his apartment. Once home, however, the man ran inside and locked the door. He then refused to answer any knocks on said door. I guess that is one way to go about it. You'd be surprised how often this happens, and how rarely anybody gets in any trouble. CL does not condone this behavior -- I'm just saying.

The Great Tobacco Heist: Two unknown men stole two cases of cigarettes from a Circle K. In each case there were 30 cartons of cigarettes. If my math is right, which is rare, that adds up to 24,000 cigarettes. I think there should be an investigation into those kids who do The Truth ads. They've moved past sidewalk musicals and on to larceny.

Bad Mood Bears: A 46-year-old woman called police after she was assaulted while getting onto a CATS bus. As she entered the aisle, a man exiting the bus intentionally shoved her with his shoulder, hitting her in the upper left arm. As she passed by him, he swung his elbow at her, hitting her square in the back. The woman was shook up but had no visible injuries. I knew this would happen when they started playing Rage Against the Machine on city buses.

Getting Greedy: A known suspect called a 51-year-old woman and told her, "I am going to fucking cut you and kill you." Didn't this person's mother ever tell him, you can't cut your cake and kill it too?

Threat of the Week: A 29-year-old woman reported that she was called six times by a known suspect, who left her two messages. One the first message she said, "This is -----'s wife. You are a dead bitch, I'm going to kill you. I'm going to whoop your ass. You are a home wrecker, ho!" She then left another message, adding insult to insult, "I seen your picture – you are one ugly cunt. I know where you work, I'm going to be your worst nightmare." Sounds like this guy has some real good taste in women.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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