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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files

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Get The Good Stuff: A man and woman called police to report a break-in at their apartment. Other than $200 in purses, the suspects also took binoculars, Band-Aids and a pit bull. Those Band-Aids might come in handy if you plan on taking a pit bull anywhere it doesn't want to go.

Even Better Stuff: Multiple suspects were witnessed walking into a Wal-Mart and trying to leave after putting the following items into handbags: two packs of Playtex wipes, two condom 12 packs, a pregnancy test, two plastic toothbrush holders, an ashtray, one bottle of baby powder and two fish auto emblems. I have nothing to say about that. Wow.

Never Tell A Lie: A 53-year-old man and his wife reported that an unknown suspect or suspects sneaked into their fenced-in backyard during the night and cut down a six-foot cherry tree. I'm hoping they did not sleep through that, no matter what tools were used.

Short Temper: A man told police that a member of his family has continuously called to harass and threaten him. The victim stated that this man calls and gets very angry when nobody answers. He also gets angry when someone does answer the phone but refuses to send him money. The suspect usually says something similar to a recent call, in which he said, "I'm going to come by and fuck you up. Why didn't you all answer the phone?" Well, I think I can answer that.

A Little Much: A 29-year-old man reported that a suspect has called and texted him more than 2,000 times to harass and annoy him. Another woman reported that a suspect whom she has asked to stop contacting sent her 35 texts in two days. Yet another younger female reported that the boy on whom she has placed a restraining order called her 50 times in seven hours.

Yes, Sir: A woman told police that a man kicked and punctured her tire at a red light early in the morning. The woman said she had passed the suspect's vehicle because he was driving too slowly, and when they both stopped at a red light, he exited his vehicle and approached hers. He then yelled, "You need to rethink your course of action," before damaging her tire. While she's at it, she may want to rethink her route to work.

Malibu Barbie: A car rental company reported a woman rented a Chevy Malibu and never returned it. Two weeks after the car was supposed to have been returned, she is now refusing to acknowledge that she still has it. When the company calls her, she simply answers and says, "Wrong number," before hanging up. The perfect crime!

M Is For...: A man was arrested for public masturbation at a YMCA. I don't know where this guy learned his workout routine.

Cheer Up: A 27-year-old man reported that an unknown woman cut him off in traffic. When he honked his horn at the woman, she threw several items, including a full can of Cheerwine, at his car. Should've asked her out for drinks; it would be a great story to tell their kids: "I met your mother because she's mentally unstable."

Blow Me: A man called police to report that the wind chimes on his balcony had been stolen. He then advised that in order for someone to steal them, they would've had to climb up to his second-floor balcony to do so. Somebody must have really been sick of hearing those things.

Lost and Downed: A 64-year-old man told police that he lost his .45 caliber firearm while he was shopping at Dillard's. The gun was loaded with eight rounds of ammunition, as well as one in the chamber. Because you just never know who will be creeping around the jeans section.

Threat of the Week: A man and woman reported that they were assaulted and threatened while sitting on their porch. The suspect pulled out a handgun and pointed it at the victims. He then told the victims, "I'll kill you. I'm a killer. I'm crazy. I'll come back every four hours. You better not even be outside. I run this neighborhood." Homeowners' associations have really changed their tactics.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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