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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files (Nov. 23 edition)

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Going Green: Two car owners in the same apartment complex reported last week that someone had damaged their vehicles in an odd way — by pouring ranch dressing into the gas tanks. We're pretty sure this is not the healthy fuel alternative environmentalists are recommending. Fat-free ranch? That might have a future.

sloe sprite: Police responded to a Food Lion market last week after a man was caught stealing a bottle of cough syrup and a can of Sprite. If you're going to drink a horrible red concoction, why not just go straight for the sloe gin?

Be Happy: A 59-year-old woman reported last week that someone spray-painted a smiley face on a large rock in her yard. Judging by reports of what someone did to some African-American churches around that same time, I would say to the woman: Stop your sobbing.

tattletale: A 44-year-old woman called police after a known suspect repeatedly harassed her last week. The woman told officers the suspect called her at least 50 times and repeatedly said, "I'm going to call your employer so you can get fired." The suspect ought not bother. I try calling Nancy Grace's employer every time her show ends and she's still on the air.

Jail Break: A 52-year-old guard at the county jail called police after her car was broken into last week. The woman told officers the only things missing from her vehicle were a cell phone, a brown jacket and a set of keys for the central jail. Oops.

Power Up: A 21-year-old man called police after four unknown suspects robbed him at gunpoint. The victim told officers that the men made off with his backpack, the contents of which included a Sony PSP, five PSP video games, a Nintendo DS, seven DS video games, a PSP controller, Yu-Gi-Oh trading cards and a wallet. He got robbed with a pack of Yu-Gi-Oh cards in his bag? Where was the Ritual of Destruction card.

Threat of the Week: A woman and her son filed a police report after receiving a series of disturbing phone threats. They told officers the suspect made five calls, telling the son, "I'm going to cut your face and kill you, no matter who you are." The suspect told the mother, "I hope you die soon. I know you are going to drown. I'm going to kill you." Why are folks who threaten to kill people always so wordy about it?

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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