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Bizarre crime from Charlotte police files (May 12)

Creative criminals

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Rock and Roll Getting stoned Uptown took on a new meaning for a 37-year old man, who was exiting a 6th Street grocery store when a stranger began pelting him with rocks. The shopper managed to miss most of the unpredictable projectiles, but was struck by one of the flying stones without serious injury. Police responding to the scene were later able to identify the suspect, but he had already fled the scene. In an unrelated incident, a south Charlotte woman called for police back up when her unruly son, hell-bent on skipping school, attacked her car with a large rock.

Open Bar An east Charlotte man only recently learned that 'put it on my tab' doesn't work in the real world. Reports say the suspect casually strolled into a neighbor's home at around 10 p.m. and helped himself to a beer he found on the kitchen table before turning and walking out. When the homeowner realized that the uninvited guest didn't intend to pay for the Corona -- valued by police at $2 -- he phoned officers.

Private Collection A 49-year-old man in southeast Charlotte will have to film his bedroom capers on his smartphone now after a couple thieves stole his camera. The man told officers the dubious duo stole the camera from a tripod it was set up on in his bedroom. He added that the two have access to the home and knew exactly where the camera was, which leads one to wonder if they may have regretfully starred in a film in that bedroom and wanted to make sure it never saw the light of day.

Literal Literacy One CMPD officer might be considering a career switch to novelist. While responding to a theft in Hickory Grove, the cop took an opportunity to flex his prose while detailing a child's stolen bicycle in the police report. The officer described the item in great detail, channeling Langston Hughes when he wrote that the "handle bars were soft from rubber degrading in the sun" and detailing the partially detached center bar and pink tire pegs. We know nobody looks for stolen bikes but we're glad to see you getting good use of that creative writing class.

Wake Up Call A man in Hidden Valley had a recollection hit him just a moment too late last week. The 23-year-old man told officers that someone stole a black handgun from his car at some point over a three-day span. He then told officers that he "forgot the firearm was in the vehicle until he realized it was missing," which the officer followed on the report with "No further," which we take to mean, "''Nuff said."

Send Help CMPD was called to complete a Welfare Check at a north Charlotte home after some neighbors became concerned about the well-being of the 65-year old man living there. Neighbors became concerned after noticing a piece of paper had been posted inside a bedroom window. Officers found the man in his home, and reported that he did not require medical attention. No word on what -- if anything -- the paper in the window said, but we have some ideas. She made chicken...again? Nothing illegal happening here? Make America Great Again?

Different Kind of Burglary A south Charlotte man turned matters over to police after receiving several threatening phone calls from an unknown man. In the phone calls, the suspect stated, "I'm going to kill you for messing with my wife." The victim tells police that he has no idea who the man, or his wife, is... a detail that the suspect seemed to corroborate by stating, "You don't know me, wife stealer." Burn.

Shanks for Nothing Police responded to Westerly Hills Academy in west Charlotte after a kid was found to be treating the playground like the rec yard in a prison. Teachers called police after finding a 10-inch knife lying unattended on the ground where the kids play during recess. Further investigation found that a fifth-grade student had the knife in his backpack and it fell off, probably when he did something awesome.

Huh? Police found one hell of a misunderstanding when they responded to an 18-year-old man calling from an AvidXchange Music Factory-area bar to report an assault with a firearm. The man told police that he had shot someone in self-defense, but couldn't locate the person he shot. On the scene, police were unable to locate the alleged gunshot victim or any other evidence of a shooting, and determined that no crime had actually occurred at the location.

Process of Elimination Staff and law enforcement at Turning Point Academy used video footage to identify a suspect responsible for a bathroom arson that caused $1,000 in damages. According to police reports, the investigators were able to deduce who was responsible for the crime after reviewing footage that showed the suspect entering a bathroom in which an item attached to the wall was lit on fire, and then exiting once the deed was done.

Cool Story, Bro An Ashley Park man contacted police to report that he had been threatened, but he had a hard time getting his story straight. According to the man, he had received the threat at some point during a span of two weeks, then waited an additional week before contacting police. Additionally, the man didn't seem super clear on how he was threatened. First he quoted the suspect as saying, "I'm gonna have someone touch you." The threat then escalated to, "Yo, somebody give me a gun so I can shoot this motherfucka [sic], I want him dead."

Lesser of Two Evils CMPD made an early-morning house call when an east Charlotte man awoke at 4 a.m. to discover that someone had snuck onto his driveway and lit his minivan on fire. Police later found that the person removed the license plate from the van before removing it, making the stolen license plate now far more conspicuous when an officer runs it.

Like Butter Baby When an unnamed suspect invited a 31-year old north Charlotte man over for dinner, the tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Unfortunately, the hot-headed host tried to do just that when he allegedly sliced a dinner guest with a large knife. The victim was rushed to the hospital, where he was treated for stab wounds. The suspect must have used some force, because when police arrived to take a report, they identified the weapon as a butter knife.

Keep the Change An unidentified suspect pulled a dine-and-dash when he visited Midnight Diner near Uptown for an early-morning breakfast recently, but still wanted to leave his server a tip. After pushing away his plate and walking out on the check, the breakfast bandit found his waitress standing outside in the parking lot, and pointed a gun at her before fleeing the scene.

Scattered Showers A west Charlotte man was arrested after driving his Lexus into a fire hydrant, flipping it over, then crawling out and walking away as the burst hydrant sprayed over his flipped car. When police found the suspect on the road nearby, they discovered he had been driving while intoxicated and with a revoked license.

Smash and Dash A suspect may have had clean hands, but a dirty conscience lead him back to the South Boulevard bar where had caused damage earlier that evening. The man had entered the bar's bathroom and ripped out a sink, then threw it onto the ground before fleeing the scene. A witness later identified the man, who had by then returned to admit that he had indeed thrown the sink. The police reported the damage, but the pub declined to press charges.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department. All suspects are innocent until proven guilty.

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