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Bizarre crime from Charlotte police files (March 3)

The wrong way

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Plenty of Fish We're not sure what message an Uptown man was trying to send when he tipped over his girlfriend's 50-gallon fish tank, but we're hoping she took it as a clear sign that it's time to cast her reel elsewhere. The tipping point came during a heated argument, and caused the woman to run from the apartment and call police. When officers arrived, they entered the apartment and discovered the bottom-feeder boyfriend had also spray-painted obscenities on the walls and removed a brand new TV before fleeing.

Paid Vacation A Charlotte staffing agency notified authorities after discovering an employee had been fudging his hours to collect higher wages. It's not clear if the employee was actually not at work, or if he just got caught billing the hours he spent at his disk playing solitaire and commenting on 4chan. Regardless, the false time entries spanned three months and netted the time-crunching employee $1,300 in swindled pay.

Mommy Dearest A north Charlotte mom upped the ante when her teenaged son decided to skip curfew and party all weekend. The 17-year old sent his mom a text letting her know that he'd be spending the weekend with some friends and would be back Sunday — in direct defiance of house rules. Beating her hard-partying son to the punch, Mom decided that if he wanted to act lost, he could stay lost, and she registered the teen as a missing person with CMPD.

Explode the Commode Dinner at a Mount Holly Asian restaurant ended in arson charges for an unidentified diner. It's not clear from reports what was burning inside the suspect — a hearty portion of #23 Mongolian Beef, some unresolved teenage angst or maybe both — but whatever it was, it lead him to the restaurant's bathroom. Once he had locked himself into a stall, the suspect unleashed a blaze that engulfed the bathroom stall door, ceiling, and toilet paper dispenser in flames. He should probably stick with "mild spice" next time.

Body of Proof A University City woman gave new meaning to the term 'on her person' when she attempted to walk out of a Walmart store without paying for her items. A store employee observed the suspect as she strolled around the Walmart store and casually ate two cookies, then made her way to the store exit, where she was detained. Though the stolen items couldn't be recovered, there was a sufficient body of evidence to serve the woman her just desserts — misdemeanor larceny charges. We hear those go well with milk, too.

Stealing the Bern A 19-year old woman wasn't in a sharing mood when she discovered that a Bernie Sanders sticker had been removed from the bumper of her parked car. The Sanders fan had left her car parked outside a Fairview Road grocery store and returned to find that the sticker had been compromised.

You Are What You Eat A University City man facing felony charges after robbing a convenience store had plenty of brawn, he just needed some brains. Maybe that's what he was after when he selected an undisclosed amount of Airheads candy, then tried to exit the store without paying. When an employee attempted to intercept, the suspect got physical and overpowered him.

Whatever's edible When a south Charlotte surf enthusiast couldn't cough up the righteous bucks to pay for his purchases, he decided to just walk out with them instead. The man was apprehended as he attempted to exit the store wearing a stolen Hawaiian shirt and a concealed tube of minced dog food. In two unrelated incidents across town, one discerning diner used a brick to break into a fried chicken restaurant, while another suspect walked into a diner's kitchen and perused the freezer before selecting five bags of hamburger buns and walking out. Only thing missing now is beer...

Further ammunition Police were called to a Northlake truck repair shop after an unidentified suspect threatened to shoot the place up. The suspect, who became enraged for reasons unknown, allegedly told an employee: "I feel like going home, getting a gun, coming back and shooting people." I suppose we need to arm all mechanics now.

NoDa good idea A 20-year old NoDa woman looking to save a couple bucks on bus fare just learned the hard way that there's no such thing as a free ride. The woman was waiting at a bus stop on North Davidson Street when a car pulled up and offered her a ride. After getting in the car, the male driver began to make inappropriate comments and the woman quickly realized that he was interested in collecting a different kind of fare for the ride. The woman was able to exit the vehicle, but the suspect drove off before she could grab her purse.

Stolen 'Stache A Charlotte-area thief should probably consider a change of venue after failing to score during a three-car robbery at a recent AvidXchange Music Factory concert. Despite causing over a thousand dollars worth of damage to the parked vehicles, the thief walked away with some worthless loot, best described as the kind of junk you'd find at the bottom of a teenager girl's purse. Among the items reported stolen: a handful of pennies, 40 pesos, Victoria's Secret perfume and a sparkly, silver wallet inscribed with "kiss my moustache."

No Forkplay A dinnertime dispute at a Hickory Grove home got physical when an unidentified female suspect allegedly attacked a 17-year old girl with a spoon. Though the nature of the dispute isn't clear, the victim felt police intervention was necessary (lest the simple spooning escalate to a forking or knifing). Responding officers documented scratches and bruises, but medical treatment was not required and the spoon was not seized at the scene.

Fashion policed A 39-year old Steele Creek woman called police after discovering clothing items had gone missing from her home. The woman told police she suspected the items — a leather jacket and a pair of track pants — had been stolen by a family member who recently stayed in her home as a guest. The report documented the alleged larceny, but it remains unclear how police plan to proceed with filing charges for the outfit itself, which we're pretty sure is considered a crime against humanity everywhere besides New Jersey.

Getting Prepared A 30-year-old woman in southwest Charlotte was robbed at gunpoint last week by a man who got everything he needed for the life he will soon be leading. The woman said she was walking down Arrowood Road around midnight when someone pointed a gun at her and demanded her backpack. In that backpack was her wallet, cellphone, makeup, headphones, a necklace, her work clothes and the charger for her electronic monitor bracelet, which the suspect will surely need for himself soon enough.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department. All suspects are innocent until proven guilty.

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