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Bizarre crime from Charlotte police files (April 28)

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Run Forrest A thief near the Johnson C. Smith University campus will be much stronger and faster the next time they hit the streets for a spree, after stealing tens of thousands of dollars worth of bone growth technology from a vehicle. A woman called police to report that someone broke into her car overnight and made off with five bone growth stimulator machines, worth $5,000 each. The thief also took a $5,000 pair of orthopedic braces, but won't need them after a few sessions with the stimulators.

Corner Pocket Someone got a little bent out of shape during a game of billiards at Big Woody's pool hall (best name ever) on Independence Boulevard last week. The suspect apparently couldn't take one more scratch, so they instead picked up a pool ball and launched it through the glass door of a cooler behind the bar, causing $1,000 in damage.

Irony Employees at government-sponsored mortgage lending company Fannie Mae's Charlotte office were alarmed to come to work one day last week and see the effects of foreclosure firsthand. Someone at the office called police when she found that at sometime over the weekend someone had broken in and was using the office as a sleeping quarter. The suspect was not caught and there was no property damage or theft during the break-in, so no harm no foul.

Stuck A 10-year-old girl was injured in a grisly way at Thomasboro Academy last week when horseplay in the hallways turned horribly wrong. According to the report, the girl was waiting in line for afternoon dismissal when a friend playfully jumped on her back. The weight of the student caused them both to fall to the floor, and a pencil that was protruding out of the jumper's backpack ended up lodged in the girl's leg.

Jerk It's unclear who was the victim and who was the suspect in an incident that took place in a south Charlotte seminary last week. A 49-year-old woman called police to Union Presbyterian Seminary on Sharon Road to tell them that she "observed the suspect masturbating from a distance." She told officers that the man did not know she was watching him in the act, begging the question, why was she watching him in the act? Officers filed the report as a "miscellaneous non-criminal incident."

In the Doghouse Police responded to a home in west Charlotte after receiving a strap-tamper alert from an electronic monitoring device that the suspect was court-ordered to wear as he awaits trial. The officers went to the house where the man is supposed to be living and where they pinged the device. When they knocked on the door and asked for the suspect, the man living there said that it was anyone's guess where the man was, as he's not aloud to sleep in the house but sleeps in the backyard instead. The suspect had appparently had enough of that set-up, because police went to the backyard to find that he had removed the device and fled the residence.

Time Travel A 24-year-old woman became jaded after a recent break-up and decided to involve police in getting a book back that she had lent to her boyfriend a month prior. The woman told officers that a suspect had stolen her copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (which somehow was listed as costing $120). When pressed by police on how this could have happened, she told them the suspect "gained access to her property" while the two were dining together at Common Market in March, when they were still dating.

The Wet Bandits Movie nostalgia from the '90s may have struck a thief who allegedly broke into a home in south Charlotte. According to the victim, the burglar broke into his home and did not steal anything, but did leave the faucet running in his sink, which is reminiscent of actors Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern's characters in Home Alone. Those two haven't been working lately, maybe check their alibis.

Breath Freshener Police got involved in the case of a man who got sick last week and quickly found the odd cause of his malady. The 53-year-old man told officers that a suspect intentionally altered his food before he ate it. The man told officers that the suspect sprayed Little Tree "Black Ice" air freshener into his ketchup before he applied it to his food. The victim ate the food and suffered from possible internal but minor injuries.

Fencing A 46-year-old woman may be facing the early preparations for a Game of Thrones-style invasion after someone burned and took down a part of the fence in her northeast Charlotte backyard last week. The woman said that at some point over the weekend, someone burned leaves and pine needles in an attempt to catch fire to the fence. Although the fire did damage the fence to the tune of $500, in the end, it didn't gain anyone access to her kingdom. So, the vandal decided to take it one step further by removing the fence itself and taking it away.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department. All suspects are innocent until proven guilty.

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