I am a male grad student who is technically engaged to a female grad student. She has numerous positive qualities, but she is repulsed by sex. She is sensitive about her repulsion and becomes distraught when I broach the subject. She says that even the thought of doing anything sexual with me elicits a panic attack. We are both virgins, and the furthest that we ever went sexually was cunnilingus. She has never seen me completely naked or expressed any interest in making love to me. I decided to call off our engagement. She proceeded to threaten to kill herself and blame me for her aversion to sex. I agreed to continue the relationship but insisted that we postpone marriage. She refuses to go to couples counseling. I love her and enjoy her companionship, but I feel rejected and bitter, and I am still with her mainly because of guilt. Although she denies that this contributes to the situation, she also holds strong religious convictions. Finally, despite her use of oral contraceptives, she fears pregnancy. She also disapproves of my family and friends, my interest in science, my distrust of religion and my use of antidepressants. My questions: (1) If I did contribute to her sexual aversion, do I have a lifelong obligation to remain with her? (2) Barring cheating, the impetus for her decision to break up with a previous boyfriend, what other options do I have? (3) Could her sexual aversion ever dissipate? (4) Could her sexual aversion stem from asexuality?
Gradually Escalating Threats Obligate Unending Togetherness
1. You are not obligated to stay with this unpleasant woman for the next 50 years just because you made the mistake of proposing to her. And even if she started fucking you, GETOUT, do you really want to be with her?
2. Why bar cheating? If taking herself hostage is so intimidating that it prevents you from breaking up with her (threatening to kill herself = taking herself hostage), then go ahead and cheat on her, or pretend to cheat on her, and let her break up with you.
3. Her sexual aversion may dissipate over time. Or it may not. But someone who doesn't want to fuck someone rarely starts wanting to fuck that someone down the road. So she may get over her sexual aversion in time, but she'll probably be fucking someone else when she does... even if she's married to you.
4. Could be that, sure. But unless you're willing to live a sexless life with a manipulative spouse who disapproves of your family, friends, meds, etc., the root cause of her sexual aversion is irrelevant.
I am getting married to my partner next month. I'm super pumped. Her family is awesome and supportive. I've had a long back and forth with my family about the wedding — including inviting them and saying how much it would mean to me if they would come. I'm trying to be the bigger person, even though they have never been supportive of me as a queer person. I got a pretty intense e-mail from my sister-in-law about how my family can't support my engagement because blah blah Catholic blah. Yesterday was the RSVP due date, and none of them have responded. So it is now to the point where I'm going to have to call and outright ask if they're coming and potentially absorb all their rejection personally. Here's the kicker: I found out through Facebook that my brother, who I used to think was my ally (he said that he and his GF were going to try to make it to my wedding), is getting married seven days after we are! And he forgot to invite me?! With this knowledge, what am I supposed to say when I call asking for RSVPs?
Please Please Please Help
You are not going to absorb your shitty family's rejection personally, PPPH, because you are not going to call each and every shitty member of your shitty family to personally ask each individual shit if they're coming to your wedding. The shits aren't coming — adjust your seating charts accordingly. And you know what? You don't want these shits at your wedding. You want people at your wedding who love and support you, who love and support your relationship — and your shitty family has made it abundantly clear that they are incapable of loving and supporting you. Devote a week to grieving your loss — this kind of rejection is painful — and then resolve to focus on your wife-to-be, your education, your friends and your career. Focus on the life you and your fiancée are embarking on together. She's your family now.