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The joys of marriage: A 66-year-old man and his wife got into an argument. His wife, tired of listening to him run his mouth, maced him in the face.

Untrustworthy relatives: A 23-year-old woman said her brother stole her food stamp card and refused to give it back. She said he also had a key to her house and he wouldn't return that either.

Don't mess with her man: A 41-year-old woman said she and her daughter got into an argument because she disapproves of her daughter's new boyfriend. When the mother thought the argument was over, she went to her bedroom. She said her daughter barged into her room, pulled out a knife and cut her.

He's not that into you: A 20-year-old man said a woman he briefly dated has been harassing him. He said over the course of eight days, the woman has called him 500 times. She continues to pursue him. He said they only dated two weeks, and now he can't shake her ass.

FRENEMIES

Hold the salsa: A 20-year-old woman and her male friend stopped by a Mexican restaurant on North Tryon Street to grab a bite. Their casual outing took a turn for the worst when the two started fighting. The man became so angry that he couldn't even eat his food. Instead he picked up his taco and smashed it in her face.

Psycho friend: A 20-year-old woman said her male friend became angry with her and went totally psycho. She said he defecated in her handbag, broke her necklace and cell phone charger, and damaged her clothes with feces and blood. She said he also left bloody tissues in her handbag.

Felonious stupidity: A 59-year-old woman said a female acquaintance called her at home and threatened to kill her. The woman called police because she believed the former friend would make good on the threat. Police later told the woman her former friend called 911, threatening to kill any police officer who investigated the incident.

Just say no to drugs: A 28-year-old man let his friend borrow his 1999 GM Envoy, expecting him to return it the next day. When no truck materialized, the man told an officer that he probably wasn't using his best judgment when he let the friend borrow the truck – because he was high.

PHONE HIJINKS

Irresponsible parenting: A 34-year-old woman said the mother of her daughter's classmate called her home and threatened her. She said the woman has called at least four times saying, "If I see you out, I will fuck you up." She said the threats are directed toward her daughter. She believes the woman is calling because their daughters got into an altercation at school and, instead of letting them work it out, she wants to intervene with violence.

Committed prankster: A 53-year-old man said for the past four years someone has continually called him and hung up. He reported the person has called him at least 1,460 times on his home phone. He said the caller never says anything and hangs up as soon as he answers.

50 ways to kill: A victim called police to report that a known suspect had communicated a threat to him. The suspect stated to the victim, "I want to kill you in several different ways. I want to poison you. I want to peel the skin off your body and pull your eyeballs out of your head." The victim stated that this has been happening for a while. We guess the suspect just can't make up his mind.

Friend or foe: A 26-year-old woman said a friend filed her taxes for her as a favor. She said the tax return money, which amounted to $7,524, was supposed to be sent to her home, but the check never came. The friend had the money deposited into her own checking account.

Technological thug: A 22-year-old woman reported that her ex-boyfriend had called her eight times after being forbidden to contact her. When the victim refused to answer the calls, the ex sent a picture message of himself pointing a large caliber automatic pistol at the camera. If you have any telegrams in the near future, stay away from those.

Heads up: A 31-year-old man said he received several threatening calls from a long-time foe. The most menacing call came when the man said, "I already paid someone to kill you, enjoy your last two days alive."

FIVE-FINGER DISCOUNT

Meals to go: An employee at a Circle K on Sugar Creek Road said a man walked into the store, grabbed two meals from the frozen foods section and proceeded to heat them in the store's microwave. After he warmed the meals, he removed them from the microwave and walked out of the store without paying for them.