Crime may not pay, but it does make for a good story. That's why the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department for years have provided Creative Loafing with fodder that's at times hilarious, bewildering, misanthropy-inducing, sobering and depressing. And that never-ending supply of illegal activity also makes it easier to compile this, our annual collection of the best of the worst assaults, burglaries, threats and more that appeared in our weekly crime column -- the Blotter -- this year.
So when you give thanks this holiday season, be grateful that the people in these police mini-dramas aren't your friends or family. And if they are, well, be grateful you're still alive.
Sleeping arrangements: An 18-year-old woman said she and her brother got into an argument and he beat her up. The argument erupted over who was going to sleep in which room.
Dangers of D-I-Y remodeling: A 46-year-old woman said she was assaulted by a family member for moving furniture in his house without permission. The woman was a guest in her relative's home and took it upon herself to do a little remodeling. When her relative saw what she did, he became angry and tried to push a china cabinet on her.
'Tis the season of giving: A 22-year-old woman said she let her brother stay with her for a couple of days, and during his stay she noticed that one of her designer dresses was missing. She confronted her brother about the missing dress, and he said he gave it to his girlfriend as a gift.
Determined Harasser: A 67-year-old man said he is the victim of harassment. He said one of his family members is determined to get him fired from his job and has called his workplace numerous times to do so. He said his relative has also sent 85 e-mails to his job in an attempt to get him fired. The man is sick of it and wants the harassment to stop.
Family feud: A 31-year-old woman said a family member told her, "I'm coming down to kick your ass!" The woman said her family member is mad because she reported her to food stamp authorities.
Family feud, part 2: A woman said that she was arguing with a relative when the relative threw a pot of hot pork and beans in her face, resulting in a trip to the hospital.
Family feud, part 3: A 53-year-old woman said she was arguing with her sister when the sister hid the woman's car keys. The woman left and returned to the sister's house, golf club in tow. The woman's niece was waiting with a butcher knife threatening to stab her.
THE 911 CALL BETWEEN LOVE AND HATE
This isn't spring break: A man tried to recreate a Girls Gone Wild moment by throwing a bucket of water on a female acquaintance. The woman got pissed and called the cops. She plans to put a restraining order on the man because he keeps harassing her.
A convict's love: A 20-year-old woman received mail from an ex-boyfriend serving time in a penitentiary, but it wasn't exactly a love letter: The man threatened to beat the woman's ass when he got out of jail.
The thrill is gone: A 41-year-old woman said her estranged husband won't stop harassing her. She said he sent her two letters. One was 20 pages long and, according to her, contained nothing but lies and slander about her and their relationship. He also came to her home and parked his vehicle behind her car for 30 minutes for no apparent reason other than to harass and annoy her. She said she's sick of him constantly trying to contact her and wants it to stop because the fire in the relationship is gone.
A girl's got to have standards: A 54-year-old woman and her male friend went from hotel to hotel, hoping to find a room they could afford so they could have sex. Alas, they didn't have enough money, so the man suggested they have sex outside. When the woman refused, the man became irate and pushed her into some bushes.
Police critic: A 45-year-old woman said she got into an argument with a male friend. He said, "I'll kill you, bitch!" The man then picked up a brick and threatened the woman again. The woman ran into her house and called police. When the police arrived, the man continued his threats saying, "Look how long it took the police to get here! I could have been done killed you."
Every woman's dream: A 24-year-old woman said her ex-boyfriend phoned and threatened her with bodily harm. The man said, "You think you will mess with another guy. You're pregnant with my baby. I will kill that [dude], and since you don't want to be with me or have an abortion, I will kill you. I will tie your body up and throw you in a six-foot-deep river." Damn.