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Best of The Blotter 2007

A look back at the year's dumbest local crimes and criminals

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• A man received the following threat at his place of work from two callers (possibly on an intimidation conference call). Suspect No. 1 said, "I'll put you out. I'll shoot you. I'll put you out." (Note the effective use of repetition.) Suspect No. 2 added, "I'm gonna shoot you in the head, and I'm not scared. I'm not no punk." In a separate incident, a man left the following message after his 15 calls were not answered: "I'll come down there and beat your ass worse this time like I did last time."

• Upset that his old lady friend would no longer have relations with him, a man made the following statements (Follow the conversational arc with his threats): "I'm calling the police because I think you are on drugs; I'm taking the kids; Oh you think you're gonna kill me?; You have no idea who you're dealing with: I'll call people and threaten them; They have no idea; I'll kill the guy." Then he kept repeating, "You think you can kill me." The woman advises she never threatened to kill the man and doesn't know why he's saying it.

RANDOM DUMB SH*T

THESE CLOTHES AREN'T NATURAL FIBERS: A SouthPark department store employee found a threatening note in the Ralph Lauren section at lunchtime. No arrest was made.

YOU CALLED THE COPS FOR THIS?: You know that's what this officer had to be thinking when writing this report: "I responded to the above address in reference to an assault. The (reporting person) stated that the listed suspect touched her buttocks while they were hugging."

GOOD CHARACTER, EH?: A man called a woman recently and said, "This is your neighbor from four doors down. I need to tell you what you've done wrong at night. I've seen you through your windows, and I have naked pictures of you, which could be really embarrassing if I sold them on the Internet. Do you want to do what I say so I won't put them on the Internet? If you have good character you will not tell anyone I've called."

DOMESTIC DISINFECTANT: A married couple began arguing about the husband staying out all night. The wife called the husband a coward. He stepped on her foot. The two began spitting on each other -- and then the husband sprayed Lysol in the wife's hair. As if that wasn't enough, he also took her cell phone and threatened to pawn all the items in their home. As he tried to take her son's game system, she lunged at him. He backhanded her.

AN E-POOP-DEMIC: A man told police an unknown person bent the lid on his mailbox and spread animal feces on his foot door. The door's paint was damaged.

HAND SIGNALS: A man standing in a downtown parking lot unzipped his pants and began masturbating between cars as a woman was getting into her car nearby. The suspect got near the front of the car and continued masturbating. He was last seen walking toward South Tryon Street.

AH, LOVE: A woman called police after she caught a suspicious man looking in her purse for money. The suspicious man? Her husband. She wound up with bruises and scratches.

STALKER OF THE YEAR: So you want to keep tabs on somebody. You open his mail, call his relatives, and follow him from home to work and around town. When he goes to the police station, do you continue stalking him? One person apparently thought so, circling the block around police headquarters seven times while the man was inside the station.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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