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Best of The Blotter 2005

Only the finest crimes make this list

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QUIT NEEDLING ME: A man walked out of a local department store carrying a basket full of baby formula without paying. When store managers approached him outside, he said he had AIDS, and threatened to stab the managers with a syringe. He then hopped into a nearby car and drove away, baby formula in tow.

RIGHT PLACE, RIGHT TIME: If there's ever a time to be attacked, it's when you're near medical aid. A CMC medical technician experienced this recently when the patient he was transporting to the hospital assaulted him in the ambulance.

BACK ALLEY BASH: After a heated argument took place over the topic of an abortion, a man began punching his girlfriend's stomach in an attempt to hurt her unborn child. His DIY abortion method was halted, however, when she grabbed a screwdriver and stabbed him with it.

I AIN'T YOUR BABY'S DADDY: A woman dropped her three children off in a relative's front yard on her way to work recently. Unfortunately, the relative refused to allow the kids inside his house, and they stood outside in the cold for three hours.

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES: After covering a sports event at a local bar, a Charlotte news truck headed back to the studio without their microphone. Someone at the bar apparently stole it.

QUOTES OF THE YEAR: "You better leave my wife alone or you will find a bullet right between your eyes. I might have cancer but I can still beat your ass.¨

"I need money. I want you to give me money. I just want some goddamn money. I'm coming over there and whupping your ass and getting your money so I can get crack, and I'm doing heroin too."

"I'll call you as much as I want to, asshole. Your marriage isn't going to be blessed by God. Because of your slutty wife, God will not bless either of you."

"Your kids will look bad with black eyes, bitch. I will put you six feet under! I'm serious, I'll put you six feet under. I don't care about the damn police. Fuck jail. I'll put you six feet under."

"I am going to come over and beat your face into the fucking ground. I will kill your fucking family. There is no way you are going to be safe. I can get you at your house or at work. If you are patronizing me, I am going to slit your throat and shoot you in the face."

"I'm going to fuck up my face and then go tell the police you did it. Then they'll take you to jail."

CAT FIGHT: A woman reported being punched in the face and pushed against the wall by her live-in boyfriend. When the battered woman tried to call police, the jerk grabbed the phone away from her. As if he hadn't already proven he was a world-class jackass, the man then proceeded to kill the woman's cat. Somebody please give this guy the straitjacket and ass-kicking he so desperately needs.

IN THE DOGHOUSE: A man was arrested for breaking into an animal hospital, and stealing and consuming an unknown drug. He was found on the property shortly after breaking in.

SHARK ATTACK: A man called police to inform them about harassing phone calls he'd been receiving at his home. The calls were for his daughter, and were from a man she knew who is in an Orange County, CA, prison. The man who called police said that when the prisoner calls and gets him, he doesn't speak. Instead, he hums the theme to the movie Jaws.

FAST FOOD FUNNIES: A man rushed into a fast food restaurant screaming at the top of his lungs. When asked to leave by the manager, he did so by running full speed into a glass window next to the door. The window was damaged, and the man fled the scene, but more slowly.

TALK ABOUT A VARIETY STORE!: A man broke into a business in the middle of the night and stole a $300 handtruck, $150 in AK-47 rounds, and $500 worth of candy from the shelves.

HAVING A BLAST: The workers on the second floor of an office building had a little excitement added to their day when a giant fireball blasted down through the ceiling. The blast came from the communications department on the third floor. No one was injured and there has been no word on what caused the bizarre blast.

STOP, DROP, AND ROLL: For whatever reason, a man decided to take all of his personal belongings and put them out on a large section of pine needles in his backyard. He then proceeded to set them on fire. After that, he rolled around in the flames. Luckily, there were witnesses nearby, and the man was eventually hospitalized.

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