Music » Brittney After Dark

Bad-ass babes on roller skates


The Charlotte Roller Girls are recruiting skaters ... think I should try out?

Yeah right, are you kidding me? Have you been to a bout?

If you like NASCAR for the racing and wrecking, or football for the tackling and scoring, then you'll love roller derby because it's kinda like that ... but with women on roller skates.

The player with the star on her helmet is the scorer and everyone else on the team is like her O-Line trying to protect her from the opposing team and, at the same time, slow down the other team's scorer.

There's lots of shirt pulling, passing, slamming, running out-of-bounds, chasing down and cat clawing -- all the while skating in circles in boyshorts, fishnets and knee pads -- regulated by a ref with ruffled granny panties under her skirt.

I rollerblade and play flag football, but I don't stand a chance against these Roller Girls. I even got kicked out of a game at Virginia Tech once for being too brutal. I was running full speed, had to change directions and accidentally flung my elbow into some high-maintenance sorority girl's fake tit. She started screaming "contact!" like I had just tackled her. If one of the Roller Girls would've elbowed that drama queen in the boob, it would have deflated.

But around these parts, it's Charlotte's petite scorer Rosie Cheeks that's the bad ass. She led Charlotte into a 124-42 victory over New River Valley Roller Girls. At least one Charlotte sporting team is good. Charlotte's roster also consists of Pamela Ander-Slam, Court'her Pound'her and Amy Fister.

I will stick to spectating the bouts, 'cause if I was on the team, my Roller Derby name would be Brittney Split-Knee.

Ass-bashing aside, Roller Derbies are kid-friendly functions. During a break, it was like recess at an elementary school. Kids were running around on the track, participating in relays and races for our amusement.

The next bout is on May 18 at Cricket Arena, but they practice at Kate's Skating Rink if you think you have what it takes.

LOUNGE THE NIGHT AWAY: So, we're bringing sexy back, and we have our receipt. Creative Lounging at Tilt on Trade is back to add that special ingredient to your Thursday nights. We're giving away more free shit like tickets to the Pineville Dinner Theater and Charlotte Knights games. The LLC is giving away vacations; Tilt is raffling off a foosball table, and the Charlotte Roller Girls will even be there one week.

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