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Mush To Judgment

I know my boyfriend loves me, but I can't get him to understand the difference between "thoughtful" and "romantic." He'll surprise me with socks I need (thoughtful), but not flowers I don't (romantic). He pointed out that he didn't buy me just any socks, but the Cadillac of hiking socks: a special wool blend to keep moisture away from my feet, woven without seams at the toe to prevent blisters. This was very thoughtful of him, but why couldn't he make me little cards or cook me a special dinner? (Both are romantic things I've done for him.) He does do nice stuff for me, like scrubbing the bathtub then running the bath for me, and he always asks me how my day was (and is genuinely interested). It's just that he's never given me flowers, candy, jewelry, etc. -- the stuff that says "I love you" in a way socks just can't. How do I get him to express himself romantically?--Missing That Special Something

Let's take a moment and read the average man's mind: "Sex, sex, sex, red meat, sex, sex, sex, beer, sex, sex, sex, Cheetos, sex, sex, sex, baseball, football, sex, sex, sex" ... you get the idea. A whole lot of sex, a smattering of sports, a side of beef and processed food, and zero mention of Hallmark.com's "Heartfelt Rose Bouquet With Candle."

So, how reasonable is it, really, to expect a man to "say it with flowers"? Men do tend to comply -- maybe because when they hear "say it with flowers," they get the subliminal message loud and clear: "because it's cheaper than building a guest room onto the dog house." In other words, men who speak through plant life might simply be telling you how much they care, or they might be sending a subliminal message of their own: "Floral white flag!" or "Bed -- it's not just for sleeping!" or the all-too-popular "I was just joking about wanting to have sex with your best friend."

A man who instead "says it with deluxe tube socks" is telling you all you should need to know: he cares about areas of your body which do not jiggle and are not commonly encased in lingerie. No, your boyfriend didn't give much thought to how nasty socks look when you stick them in water in a big vase, but he actually interrupted his regularly scheduled thoughts of sex, sex, sex, touchdowns and beer to worry that you might get a blister or sweaty feet, then took steps to prevent it. And not only that. He scrubs the tub. He gets down on his hands and knees and scrubs the tub for you.

Sadly, the world's greeting card-industrial complex does not stay afloat by suggesting that romance is also about a guy noticing that his girl's freezing and putting his coat around her, leaving her the big piece of chocolate or expressing concern, with Comet in hand, that her heinie might touch a less-than-pristine tub. That last action alone, on your boyfriend's part, should be enough to cut your clamoring for "that special something" for all eternity. It should be, but it isn't. No, you still (sniffle-sniffle) wonder why he doesn't "care enough to send the very best" -- as in the best heartfelt yet deeply impersonal message a guy can get for about $2.50 and a 10-minute trip to the drugstore card rack. Hello? Did you miss that bit above? He gets down on his hands and knees and scrubs the tub. It doesn't get any better than that.

Homely Is Where The Heart Is

Despite being in good shape, I suspect I'm ugly, so I rarely ask women out because I'm afraid of being rejected. I've always felt this way, but I'm getting worried that I could end up alone. How do I prevent that?--Troll With A Goal

Ugly people have fun too! Look at Henry Kissinger. He got lots of girls, and it wasn't because they were all so nearsighted they thought he was Gary Cooper until he asked them, "Vanna come up and zee my foreign policy?" In other words, being ugly isn't a problem, providing you wear it well. For example, you might be a ringer for Austin Powers, complete with buck teeth you could bolt to a train to stop cows, but the key is acting like Austin Powers -- like there's no way you're letting anything come between you, your bed, and Liz Hurley. Don't let rejection sway you; it happens to even the best (looking). Dating's a numbers game, so just dust yourself off and move on to the next. On the bright side, with a slew of Hollywood actresses dating seriously ugly rock stars, Jen Chung of Gothamist.com reports that "ugly might be the new black." Maybe you're ugly, maybe you're not, but there's no time like the present to stand up, troll, and be counted.

Copyright 2003, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com)

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