Dear Sue: Are you looking forward to working with the new Democratic majority in Congress this year? -- Rodney Gonzales
Dear Mr. Gonzales: To tell you the truth, no, I'm not looking forward to being in the minority and watching Nancy Pelosi (I call her the "Frisco Kid" -- isn't that cute? Can you tell I used to be in advertising?) ... where was I? Oh yeah, Pelosi and her pals. It'll be agony watching them hand over our country to the terrorists and the illegal immigrants who only come here because they know they can get away with driving drunk and killing good, white Christians. Is that clear enough for you, "Rodney"? Or is that even your real name? May I see your green card?
Dear Sue: I'd like to know about your goals for your next two-year term. -- Charlene Ledbetterson
Dear Ms. Ledbetterson: It's called survival, Charlene. Republicans in Congress won't even be able to pee anymore without a hall pass from Hillary Clinton, so don't expect much. Any decent, Scripture-based laws the GOP proposes will be shut down by the Dems' evil Satanic wrath, so all I'll be doing is barking on the sidelines about Latinos, keeping my face in the papers, and catering to the usual scared hicks who share my beliefs about our great country and our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. One definite goal, though, is to find some gay illegal immigrants and revile them publicly, so I can keep the struggle "fresh."
Dear Sue: Do you plan to deliver more pork to this area from the Homeland Security Department? -- Anne Dodson
Dear Ms. Dodson: You bet. If the Defeatocrats will go along with it, I plan to make our area the premier anti-terrorism training center in the world. The facility will be a full-size replica of Gastonia, complete with traffic lights, houses, shooting range, liquor houses, the works. Training of Homeland Security personnel will go on 24 hours a day and will include, among other things, turning the animal shelter into an anthrax-detection unit. Of course, I also plan to personally hand out free handguns to everyone in my district who wants one.
Dear Sue: Since you were elected to Congress on a platform that included term limits, I'd like to know when you're going to quit and give someone else a chance? -- Pat Chad McCro McGolfie
Dear, um, Chad: As I've said before, since Congress didn't pass the term limits resolution, I am not bound by my former promises. In addition, I'm frankly afraid to see what kind of smarmy weasels might decide to run to take my place, so I'm staying put for now.
Dear Sue: I want to cut back some dead limbs on our maple tree, but my wife says you shouldn't do it during winter. I say she's full of it. Which of us is right? -- Rick Torres
Dear Mr. Torres: Unless the tree is frozen, you should be OK, but be sure your saw is oiled and has been sharpened before. ... hey, wait a minute, this isn't a lawn and garden column! Who are you really, "Rick Torres"? Is this some kind of set-up by the Latin American Coalition? You guys think you're so clever -- I'll have all of you deported, by God! No wait -- I bet it's a terrorist cell posing as a Latino group, trying to make me focus too much on immigrants so they can sneak a bomb into my neighborhood. Oh, Sweet Jesus, there's just too many people to be afraid of these days.
Dear Sue: Is it really true that you broke up your husband's first marriage? -- Faith Hanging In The Balance
Dear Faith: Yes, in fact I was one hot number back in those days, believe it or not. All I had to do to lure Ed away from that cow was turn on the charm. Not that Ed wasn't ready to pounce in the first place -- my curly-haired dreamboat packed a loaded pistol back then, if you know what I mean. [NOTE TO STAFF: Ha-ha-ha-ha! That was for your amusement only (but true!). Please just type up the usual belligerent "no comment" and send it out as the answer to this particular question. Thanx! In His name, Sue]
Dear Sue: Have you heard any voices in your coffee machine lately? If so, what did it tell you? -- Dutch Luftwaffel
Dear Mr. Luftwaffel: No, and I regret telling people about that incident years ago although, hey, it got me into politics. These days, with the help of medication, I find that my appliances no longer offer career advice. Last week, though, I was walking by our front lawn manger scene when one of the Wise Men said something that sounded like "border fence." Needless to say, I pledge to keep voters posted about any future communications from Christmas ornaments, no matter how large.