I grew up in a shitty conservative town with a batshit crazy mother and a philandering father who, despite leaving my mom when I was 2, went on to be a pretty good dad and definitely the only moderately stable parent in my life. I wanted his love and approval. I went to law school and married a guy who was, essentially, my dad. They became best friends. Very shortly into the marriage, I fell in love with a woman, realized I'm a total homo, and got divorced. I'm still with the same woman and I'm no longer suicidal over my internalized homophobia. Yay.
My dad didn't exactly support my decision, but he has made an effort to get to know my girlfriend and isn't acting quite as crushed as I know he was when I came out and divorced my husband.
However, he continues to have a relationship with my ex-husband. This enrages me. I felt like he sided with the ex at every turn during our separation and divorce, and now I feel like he's incapable of understanding my feelings. I'm still friendly with my ex, although I have tremendous guilt issues over not having figured myself out before dragging him into a marriage. My dad's point is that his friendship with my ex has nothing to do with me.
Am I just being a petty bitch or is he being an insensitive asshole?
Angry Lesbian Daughter
Petty bitch or insensitive asshole, petty bitch or insensitive asshole, petty bitch or insensitive asshole — does it have to be one or the other, ALD?
Your dad bonded with your ex while you were married and didn't regard the divorce as your ex's fault. Perhaps your dad took your ex's side because he couldn't see that the divorce wasn't entirely your fault, either. You were a victim, too, ALD — victimized by the homophobia you had internalized. The homophobic culture that rendered you incapable of recognizing that you were a lesbian before you dragged your ex into a doomed marriage is ultimately to blame — that doesn't mean you bear no responsibility — and if your dad couldn't see that at the time and was insensitive, then, yeah, he owes you an apology.
But you brought your ex into your dad's life, your dad bonded with him as a son-in-law, and it's unfair of you to demand that your dad cut all ties to your ex. That's controlling, irrational behavior — aka petty bitchery — and you should apologize to your dad for it.
You have a right to your feelings, and if your dad's relationship with your ex makes you uncomfortable, it makes you uncomfortable. In this era of divorce, remarriage, and blended families, rest assured you're not the only person with an ex who's still, for better or worse, part of the family.
I'm a loud fucker, just like the partner of the woman who wrote in recently (CL, Oct. 20). With my consent, my partner uses a pillow to dampen my screams, so I don't have to worry I'll piss off the neighbors.
Lesbians Do Scream
It's all fun and games — loud fun, ear-splitting games — until someone accidentally asphyxiates a screamer. But thanks for sharing, LDS.