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A light comedy: Right-wing killers in hell


The setting: Hell.

The cast:

• James Von Brunn, killer of a security guard last week at the Holocaust Museum in Washington, D.C. (I know, he's not dead yet, but in fact, only one cast member is currently dead. This is, after all, satire, not a documentary.)

• Scott Roeder, killer of Dr. George Tiller, an abortion doctor, in Wichita, Kan. May 31.

• Robert Poplawski, killer of three Pittsburgh, Pa., police officers on April 4. He was obsessed with the idea that President Obama was going to take away his guns.

• Jim David Adkisson, killer of two people at a Unitarian Church's children's musical in Knoxville, Tenn., on July 27, 2008.

• Timothy McVeigh, killer of 168 people by means of a truck bomb at the Alfred P. Murrah Building in Oklahoma City on April 19, 1995.

[Scene: Break time, Roeder, Poplawski, Adkisson and McVeigh sit at a table, drinking iced coffees.]

McVeigh: When's he supposed to get here?

Adkisson: They said about now.

Poplawski: Who are you talking about?

McVeigh: Boy, you're dumber than a liberal -- Von Brunn, the Holocaust Museum guy.

Poplawski: Well, excuse me, Sir Celebrity Terrorist.

McVeigh: Screw you, too, Mr. Dishonorable Discharge from the Marines. Anyway, I'm tired of waiting around for this loser.

Roeder: You calling Von Brunn a loser?

McVeigh: Hell yeah. He only took out one measly security guard. I killed ...

Poplawski and Adkisson, rolling their eyes: One hundred sixty-eight.

Roeder: We still need to welcome him. I mean, he's on our side.

Adkisson: Hey, look, I think that's him!

[James Von Brunn walks in]

All together: Welcome, James!

Poplawski: What up, dawg?

Von Brunn: What'd you call me?

Poplawski: I said, What up, dawg?

Von Brunn: You call yourself a decent, God-fearing right-wing terrorist, and you're talking like a n*****? Plus, that phrase isn't even in style anymore.

McVeigh: So, what are you, James -- some kind of expert on hip-hop lingo?

Von Brunn: No, what are you, a Jew or something? (chuckles)

McVeigh: Watch it, Pops, I've still got a stash of fertilizer around here somewhere.

Von Brunn: Why, I oughta ...

Roeder: Calm down, boys, remember we're all in this together. So tell me, James, how many in that museum were you going to kill if you coulda gotten away with it?

Von Brunn: I wasn't planning to kill anybody, and I didn't kill anybody.

Roeder: [Sputters] What? But we saw the footage of you being carried from the Holocaust Museum.

Von Brunn: It never happened. I'm telling you, if the Holocaust never happened, then that shooting never happened, either. (laughs out loud)

Adkisson, Poplawski, Roeder: (Uproarious laughter)

McVeigh: Hey, we can use a clown around here.

Von Brunn: What? You can't get Glenn Beck's show here?

Adkisson: Sure we can. FoxNews is the only station they show in Hell.

McVeigh: It's a good thing, too. I'd hate to have to car-bomb this place.

Poplawski: Ooh, such a badass!

McVeigh: This is your last warning, Junior.

Roeder: Will you two cut it out? Hey, speak of the devil (Oops, did he hear me? Guess not.) -- Bill O'Reilly's on.

[All turn around to watch TV on wall stand; TV plays at very low volume]

Roeder: Ah, there's my man -- you know, O'Reilly talked about that baby murderer Tiller almost every day, and kept saying he had to be stopped. Well, I took care of that, all right.

Adkisson: Yeah, O'Reilly's good, but for my money, you can't beat Ann Coulter. She's hot, she's hateful, what more do you want from an inspiring figure?

Poplawski: You think that bony thing is "hot"?

Adkisson: Yeah, hot as hell. Don't you?

Poplawski: No, not really, but to each his own, I guess. I just don't think women should be writing books. It doesn't seem right. Now, when I watch TV, I like Sean Hannity. He's the coolest.

McVeigh: That's 'cause you're as dumb as he is.

Poplawski: Hannity, dumb? Are you crazy?

McVeigh: Look, don't get upset, I like Hannity's politics as much as the next right-wing terrorist. But there's a reason you hear people joke about "Sean Hannity: He asks the questions other reporters are too smart to ask."

Roeder: Man, that's cold.

McVeigh: Well, that's something you'd know about, seeing how you shot that doctor in cold blood.

Roeder: Oh, and killing 168 wasn't in cold blood?

McVeigh: Of course not -- I never even saw them when that truck bomb went off.

Roeder, Poplawski, Adkisson, Von Brunn: [Loud gasp].

Roeder: That's why you're the Master, I guess.

McVeigh: You better believe it. Now can you guys keep it down so we can watch O'Reilly, or do I have to find another truck to rent?

[All turn toward TV; fade out.]

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