Imagine a more serious Aziz Ansari, his big brown eyes gazing upwards as he rests on bended knee. He's wearing a sharp, custom suit and he pulls a wedding ring out of its front pocket and pops the big question — and he's not joking! Don't worry, ladies: Aziz Ansari is not getting married, but anyone (myself included) can fantasize about this moment, placing themselves on the receiving end. "Oh, Aziz! Yes!"
Ansari comes to Charlotte for Funny or Die's Oddball Comedy & Curiosity Festival, happening at PNC Music Pavilion on Aug. 9. (Unfortunately, his assistants and reps, who I e-mailed more than once, said he was unavailable for an interview, so I've had to write this piece without his input.) Ansari doesn't claim to be ready for matrimony — that's clear from his latest comedy special, Buried Alive, as well as countless interviews — but that doesn't mean he wouldn't be good at it. Here's a list of reasons why I think he's hubby material.
He'd be a great father. Ansari has joked about how his cuteness as a child was, most likely, a deterrent for pedophiles. "Like, for child molesters, I was kind of like the hot girl at the bar," he says in Buried Alive. But in a recent interview with Metro, Ansari admitted the joke was in reference to how scared he'd be to actually have a kid of his own. He was quoted as saying, "I would be so scared for the safety of my kids. That's the scariest part of that: how parents let their kids run around the mall by themselves."
He's willing to compromise — even in difficult situations. Ansari's got a bit of Southern gentleman in him and is willing to fight racism with biscuits. He was born in Columbia, S.C., and grew up in the surrounding area before moving onto bigger and brighter cities. In his act, he refers to folks that pity him for being Indian and having grown up in the South — known for both hospitality and ... racism. In one of his acts, he says "Even if right now some racist dude stood up and was like, "Hey, I'm gonna say a bunch of racist stuff but afterwards I'll give you a biscuit," I'd be like, "That's a weird deal, but I'll take it."
He doesn't show his affection through dick photo texts (well, not of his own dick anyway). Ansari has tackled the sexting phenomena in his act and has done his own experiments, but it's not one of his wooing tactics. Rather than send a dick photo, he'd do something classier. A ring on a dick, maybe?
He likes to eat. And a key to any man's heart is with food, right? In the role of Tom Haverford on Parks and Recreation, Ansari has created his own slang for foods (both improvised and scripted). As he says in character on a past episode of Parks and Recreation: "SSerts is what I call desserts. Tray trays are entrees. I call sandwiches sammies, sandoozles or Adam Sandlers ... All noodles, long ass rice. Fried chicken is fri fri chicky chick. Chicken parm is chicky chicky parm parm ... Tortillas are bean blankies," you get the idea. Wouldn't it be fun to cook for him and see what he comes up with?
He knows what it means to dress up. No, guys, putting on a pair of clean jeans and an untucked button-down does not equate to "dressing up," but you don't have to tell Ansari that. For his stand-up specials, Ansari often wears sleek, stylish suits and tuxedos. He's a fan of Band of Outsiders, an L.A.-based clothing label that places an emphasis on chic, classic attire that gets a twist with vintage elements and fabrics. Kudos for that!
He just turned 31. There's something about this magical age that gets a lot of men thinking about their future and starting a family. There's also a little thing called peer pressure that seems to have already planted a seed in that handsome head of his. Though he's currently in denial, he'll be ripe for the taking soon enough.
He's funny. If a marriage is going to survive (till death do us part), there needs to be some comic relief. Ansari is the full package and then some.
Aziz Ansari is a headliner at Funny or Die's touring Oddball Comedy & Curiosity Festival, which makes a stop at PNC Music Pavilion on Aug. 9. Doors open at 5 p.m. and tickets are $35-$70.75. For more information or to purchase tickets to the show, call 704-549-5555, or visit www.livenation.com.