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ZOMBIE #7: CHARLOTTE MAYOR PAT MCCRORY
QUOTES: "There are many ways to be involved [in “supporting the troops"], from simply flying the flag to tying yellow ribbons around trees to checking on neighbors who are family members of deployed military personnel.” — Charlotte Observer, March 26, 2003
"[President Bush] understands that to protect cities, we must take the war to those who would destroy us." — Republican national convention, August 30, 2004
"President Bush shows decisive leadership and he's been consistent and he's been straightforward with the people." — Republican National Committee press conference, July 28, 2004
INTERVENTION: Pat, get your fratboy self over to the Middle East and be "straightforward" with the people you meet about your feelings regarding the war. Maybe ask them about Greek life in Iraq. Reactions should clue you in on the real world — you know what we mean, the world without rich white people. Then you can come home. Hopefully, by the time you catch on that the whole war has been a calamity and has weakened the US rather than strengthen it, no one will have rolled you with your own yellow ribbon.
ZOMBIE #8: COLUMNIST AND AUTHOR DAVID BROOKS
QUOTE: "[O]ne thing is for sure: since we don't have the evidence upon which to pass judgment on the overall trajectory of this war, it's important we don't pass judgment prematurely. . . It's just wrong to seek withdrawal now, when the outcome of the war is unknowable and when the consequences of defeat are so vast." — New York Times, June 23, 2005
INTERVENTION: David, David, David. You're a baby boomer, right? So you probably remember Vietnam? Oh, you don't? Well, it was another great big, unnecessary mess, except even worse. In those days, pundits like you kept urging us to "stay the course" because "the consequences of defeat are so vast." Well, you know what? We didn't exactly win that one and we're still here and communist Vietnam is practically begging for American investors. Your intervention is simple: We've collected hundreds of thousands of pages of "we can't withdraw" columns from the Vietnam era, and set up a table in the Library of Congress where you can read them over and over until you finally get it. First, we'll give you a few days to get some new Coke-bottle lenses for your glasses so you don't get a headache.
ZOMBIE #9: CATHY C. FLOYD, CHARLOTTE OBSERVER COMMUNITY COLUMNIST
QUOTES: "I have to wonder how many of those who have died in the last year have died because of the political discourse here that has been beamed to all corners of the planet. . . All of this turmoil at home is fanning the fires of the insurgency." — February 15, 2005
"There is now a move afoot in Washington to set up a government office to document civilian casualties of our military actions . . . I'm all for it — as long as the data collection is held to the standards of academic research . . . and we report all casualties related to the conflict and its antecedents — not just those brought on by those nasty American military operations." — May 17, 2005
INTERVENTION: Cathy, we like your idea of being extra-meticulous in documenting Iraqi casualties. So, as your intervention, you'll get to do it yourself! Yes, we're sending you to Iraq to roam the cities and countryside documenting every civilian death you can find. Looks like you'll be busy for quite some time since estimates range from 20,000 to 100,000 Iraqi civilians killed since we started bringing them the benefits of freedom. At some point, maybe it'll come to you that half-baked ideas and poorly thought-through policies can have very real and very deadly consequences. Be sure to bring your calculator. And maybe some body armor.
ZOMBIE #10: US REP. ROBIN HAYES
QUOTES: "There could not be a finer facility,"— June 28, 2005, speaking of a visit to the Guantanamo prison in Cuba
"Saddam Hussein and people like him were very much involved in 9/11." — On CNN, June 29, 2005
(Told by CNN's Carol Costello that no investigation had ever found evidence linking Saddam and 9/11, Hayes answered, "I'm sorry, but you must have looked in the wrong places," adding that the connection has been seen "time and time again.")
INTERVENTION: Robby, we want to give you one last chance. Meditation has helped a lot of people to regain a sense of balance and connection to reality, so we're taking you to a quiet lakeside where you'll sit down, close your eyes, take some deep breaths, and then listen to a tape loop of President Bush when he said, "We've had no evidence that Saddam Hussein was involved with the September 11 attacks." Try that for say, 24 hours, and then we'll see if you've gotten the message and can keep it, one day at a time.
