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ZOMBIE #3: REP. SUE MYRICK
QUOTES: "Right now the Iraqi people are experiencing what it's like to live under freedom. That's a messy process." — Canada Free Press, August 3, 2004
"I warned a year ago that Iraq had nuclear weapons, but nobody wanted to talk about that." — speech at a function hosted by Amway honcho Dexter Yager in - get this! - 1994
"[My husband] Ed and I for years, for 20 years, have been saying, 'You know, look at who runs all the convenience stores across the country.' Every little town you go into, you know? I mean it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that there are people who don't like us all over this country no matter what their nationality may be."
"Our people in Iraq are helping the young Iraqis so they don't become terrorists and they are seeing that we're not the bad people they've heard we are. It's going to be long term, and we knew that when we got into Iraq." — News 14 Carolina, June 13, 2005
INTERVENTION: No, actually, we didn't know the war would be "long term." In fact, W & Co. gave the distinct impression it wouldn't last long at all. But given the inconsistent nature of your comments, that's almost irrelevant. According to your statements, we're helping young Iraqis, but Arabs running American convenience stores are threatening. Maybe the following "messy process" will help you see the error of your ways: we're sending you to Tikrit to run a 7/11 store — you'll have to get your Slurpee machine license first — and talk enthusiastically to all your customers about the freedom they can find in things like doing without electricity for hours on end, looking over their shoulders for guys with RPGs, burying their kin, and roaming the streets looking for uncontaminated water. We're sure they'll soon understand you're not the bad person they heard you were.
ZOMBIE #4: PUNDIT AND AUTHOR SEAN HANNITY
QUOTE: "With the capture of Saddam Hussein the war in Iraq is largely over... " — Deliver Us From Evil, 2004 (pages 271-272)
INTERVENTION: So, the war is over, huh? Maybe this will bring you back to Earth: we've arranged for you to take a hitchhiking tour of the Sunni Triangle, along with your radio producer/sidekick Flirty Flipper who will be traveling with (gasp!) her head completely uncovered. For you, we've bought custom-made stars-and-stripes speedos that ought to keep you cool in the desert heat. Feel free to stick out your (right) thumb and hitch a ride anywhere in this friendly, democratic country you know so much about. Let us know when you've seen the light.
ZOMBIE #5: RADIO HOST AND AUTHOR RUSH LIMBAUGH
QUOTE (referring to Democrats and opponents of the war): "Bad news for America is good news for them; good news for America, bad news for them. It's gotten to the point now where the more deaths in Iraq the better for them."
INTERVENTION: Rush, this kind of delusional thinking is hard to counteract. We've tried and tried to come up with a plan that would make you see reason and admit that the whole Iraqi thing has been a big fat mistake, but we're frankly stumped. Maybe it's the drugs talking and not you, so before we do anything drastic, we're sending you to rehab for your Oxycontin jones to clear your mind and get a good spiritual program going. Just don't come back humming the song Al Franken wrote about you, "My Drugs Are Red White and Blue."
ZOMBIE #6: TOBY KEITH, COUNTRY SINGER
QUOTE: "Last year when I was over there, I didn't feel like it was anything we could ever win. But this year ... four out of five of the Iraqi people would wave. . .Iraqis want our great boys and girls over there. They're tasting freedom for the first time." — The Early Show on CBS, June 22, 2005
INTERVENTION: Hey, you can't get a more valuable report on Iraq then from a singer who flew over the place in a helicopter. Maybe a closer look at the situation on the ground would be enlightening, Toby. We've arranged for you — and your fellow country warriors Charlie Daniels and Darryl Worley, who'll be along for the ride — to regale the population of Baghdad with a special show. You'll cruise around the city on a flatbed truck rigged up with a killer sound system and sing your hit song "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue" to all those freedom-tasting folks. Maybe you'll get to meet those four out of five waving Iraqis. Don't get too close, though, since you don't really know what they're waving.