Sex Q&A: The other woman's woman

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According to the website Ashley Madison, the Monday after Mother's Day, Charlotte is the third highest city with women looking for some one to have an affair with. Cheating is something that most people frown on, but there are still a lot of people doing it. Take Ivory* (not her real name) for example. She's been having an affair for about a year ... with a married woman.

According to Ivory, they met through an online club for women who want to be intimate with other woman, despite the fact that they may have husbands or boyfriends in the their public life. Slowly the affair began. But why cheat? Ivory recently opened up with Creative Loafing about the relationship and her rationale behind it.

Creative Loafing: How did the relationship get started?

The group goes and hangs out; you do movies, you pretty much meet the people in the group — and after awhile, you just create relationships. Some people get together to just hang out. They may see each other on a more private level. This person was away from the group and me and her met from talking online because she had a point to prove. But as things developed, she really liked [having sex with a woman]. But she's married with kids.

Does her husband know about her sexual preference?

Her husband doesn't know about her at all. I met the husband once, but it was more on a "this is my friend," type of thing. In some relationships, the wife wants the husband to be a part of it, even if he isn't joining in the sex; but they will be like, "this is my homegirl." But this person is not like that with her husband. She is real selfish, and she doesn't even want me to be in a relationship with anybody else. She doesn't want to share "her girl," even though she's married.

What happened when you met the husband?

It happened on an occasion where I went to see her, and he was just there. I was riding with her and she covered by saying, "I have to take my friend somewhere." It was more like a "hey, how you doing?" — and walk away from him. I didn't want to sit there and have a conversation with him and fall into a situation where he questioned who I was and how she met me.

Does her husband know about her sexuality?

Her husband doesn't know. He probably suspects something, because she's really cold toward him. She may do her job as a wife, but she's doing it because she's supposed to and not because she wants to.

So, she's still having sex with her husband?

Every once in a while. Only when he's putting up a fit, like: "It's been a month ... what's the problem?"

She tells you when she's intimate with her husband?

Yeah, she tells me. My question to her is: Why keep doing it? If this isn't the life you want to live, why are you staying?

How does that make you feel, knowing that she's going home to her husband every night?

It makes you feel like they just want their cake and eat it, too. So, you just end up doing what you want to do. She can only call early in the morning, on her way to work, when she gets off from work and then she texts half the night. Because after a certain time, she can't talk or say how she feels. And when I see her, it's usually on a sick day or when he's away on vacation.

So, she's never invited the husband to join in the sex?

No. She is really: "That's mine." She doesn't want to share me. If she didn't have kids, she would get a divorce tomorrow, no doubt. She doesn't want to leave her husband because of the kids.

If she divorced her husband, how would that change your relationship?

No. To me, I feel like they are selfish and the way I look at it is: The way you're playing with your husband is the way you're going to play either way.

What attracted you to this woman?

To me, it's more about the hunt and the chase. The fact that every time we're together it's a chance that we're going to get caught. Charlotte isn't that big, so meeting a person around in the city, you never know if you're going to run into one of your friends out or you're going to meet one of their [friends]. It's the hunt of trying to be with that person.

So, where do you two meet?

Mostly in hotels that are secluded. The hotels that people [from the group] would meet in, even for group sex,  are like the Druid Inn and Suites near Northlake Mall. You can park at the mall and cross over. You can meet at Embassy Suites in Concord. You're going to meet at places where if somebody rides by, they aren't going to know you're really [at the hotel]. Or the park. It's an open environment and you can walk a trail and have a conversation. But it looks like you're exercising. There's no way to pin point what you're doing.

Have you two ever been caught in the act or almost caught?

Not by the husband, but one of her kids almost walked in on us. I've met her kids, and I'm probably just as cool with her kids as I am with her. They know me, but they don't know their mother is like that. The kids are old enough that they would know what's going on. They're not young kids.

How often do you two see each other?

At least once a month. It just depends on what's going on. But we talk everyday.

Are you jealous of her relationship with her husband?

I'm not jealous of her relationship, because I feel like I'm doing what I want to do. I'm not just seeing her; I see who I want to see. It's been situations where I tell her that I'm going out to do whatever. It's not like I can hang out with her at night. Maybe when he goes away, but other than that it's just quick stuff.

Do you think you're cheating yourself from having a real relationship?

I'm not settling for her. Me and her, I don't feel like I'm committed to her. I still go out and see other people. I shouldn't have to settle down with someone who can't commit to me.

Then why do it?

It's the rush. It's something different and it's something to do.

What do you think would happen if her husband found out about you two?

He would probably divorce her. He's not down for that kind of stuff. She had asked him about swinging, and he wouldn't go with it.

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